


The Hand Kiss

by Asdfkkl



Category: Ryatt, supermega
Genre: ?? - Freeform, Fluff, I’ll update tags and warnings as this goes on, LMAO, M/M, Not sure how to use tags can u tell?, i can’t write smut I can’t take myself seriously, maybe one day - Freeform, pretty fluffy, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:07:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26397637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asdfkkl/pseuds/Asdfkkl
Summary: When- when u get exited when ur homie smooches ur hand.
Relationships: Fluff - Relationship, Matt Watson/Ryan Magee, Ryan Magee/Matt Watson, Ryatt - Relationship, for now - Relationship
Comments: 24
Kudos: 47





	1. Were you Serious?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi hi hi hi I wanted stupid fluffy Matt and Ryan being awkward so this is what this is.
> 
> I’m sorry if there’s typos I tried to catch them all ;-;

As the two of them sign off from recording for the day, Ryan puts the controller down in front of him on the table. A beat or two passes before neither one of the two men in their recording room say anything.

Matt is found to be slouched and practically engulfed in the couch next to his friend, aimlessly scrolling through what seems to be Twitter. 

“Hey uh, Matt?”

Side eyeing his older friend, Matt sighs contently and looks up at Ryan carelessly. 

“What’s up?”

Ryan blows out of his lips anxious tapping his knees, regretting what he wants to say.

“So were you like- you know, serious?”

Matt stops mid scroll and turns his head.

“About?”

“About uh-“

Ryan tilts his head back and forth thinking of ways to rephrase what Matt has said earlier. He then nervously laughs,  
“Never mind it’s dumb. We’re recording extra for tomorrow right?”

Matt fully puts his phone down as he was looking at- well more of gazing at the older but nervous man.  
“Yeah for sure. That’s chill, right?”

“Yeah that’s cool.”

Silence erupts. Ryan doesn’t know why but he feels clamy. Why is he clamy?

“You ok?”

Ryan breathes. 

“Yeah I’m good.”

“What were you gonna ask?”

“It’s nothing.”

Matt frowns.  
“Ryan.”

Ryan throws his head back a bit too quickly making his head spin, along with bumping it on the edge of the couch. He lets out a “fuck,” while his head slightly pounds.

“What’s up? Is it Lego? Did he eat a bunch of human food again and has been shitting-“

“No, no.”

“Then what?”

Ryan holds his head up and sucks in his lips. Matt waits impatiently.

“You’re gonna think I’m joking.”

“Why? I don’t know what you’re talking about so just spill it, man.”

Ryan rolled his head away from the lankier man and stared up at the ceiling. Maybe leaning back on the couch while staring straight up and not at Matt’s face would be much easier than actually facing him. At least he thought.

“The whole kissing on the hand thing.”

Ryan waits for further questions.

“Just now? Like in the last episode we just recorded?”

“Yeah.”

Ryan told himself he would stay staring at the ceiling but his eyes peeled over to inspect Matt’s face for his reaction. But to his surprise he couldn’t read it. He thought he could read Matt well, but all he saw was a blank stare at his lap as he massaged his light facial hairs on his chin.

“Okay. What about it?”

Ryan purses his lips.

“We’re you actually turned on?”

Almost immediately Matt chuckles innocently, but as soon as they leave his mouth he abruptly stops when his eyes come back to Ryan’s face, filled with anxiety and a somewhat saddened expression.

“I- well yeah, I said it’s been awhile since... Well you know. Haven’t had sex in awhile and haven’t really had physical contact with anybody. So I think it’s just natural for me to feel something?” 

Ryan lets out air.

“But like I said, don’t think it’s anything... I don’t want this to be weird. Was it weird? Was that a weird comment?”

Matt suddenly went from batting away the comment he made earlier to realizing that maybe it had made Ryan uncomfortable. He thought he wouldn’t be bothered by that, but Matt is searching Ryan’s eyes for answers to make sure he didn’t cross a line.

“No, Matt,” Ryan sits back up turning towards him.

“It wasn’t weird it just made me think I guess.”

Even more silence passes and Matt’s phones goes off. It’s a late night recording session and Harrison was asking where he was at. He had forgot to mention it to him before heading out for the day.

“Well, whatcha thinking?”

Matt perked up, trying to ease the somewhat tense air. 

“I don’t wanna be weird.”

“You’re already weird. I’m weird. We’re both weird.”

“I mean I don’t wanna make this weird.”

“You already did, bud.”

Matt stifles a laugh, and Ryan’s shoulder relaxes at the familiar sound.

“Damnit.” Ryan moans annoyingly at himself and rubs his forehead.

“What? Want a kiss from yours truly?”

Matt mimics loud kissy noises obnoxiously while folding his hands into himself. Ryan stops him midway through his teasing.

“Fuck you, I was just gonna ask if you wanna just hang out some more in here.”

“Hang out? Wh- why did you bring up earlier then?”

Ryan pulls at the side of his face, stretching it tiredly and annoyingly. Matt hums in recognition.

“Do you want some snuggles, Magee?”

Matt relaxes his body more while scooting and turning towards his friend with a stupid grin on his face. Ryan thinks his smile is stupid. Because it is. It’s stupid and Matt is stupid.

“Forget it.” Ryan makes his way up and off the couch shaking his shorts adjusting himself. Matt quickly grabs his wrist hurriedly.

“Wait Ryan, sorry, for real sit back down.”

Ryan pouts down at Matt clenching his wrist a bit too hard, but he slowly lets go when the larger man obliges and sits back down.

“This is weird now.”

“It’s not weird!”

“You made fun of me!”

Matt rolls his eyes as if he could pop them off in the back of his head.

“Only because you’re so awkward about it. It’s honestly sweet. And I don’t know, how am I supposed to respond?”

“Not like an asshole.”

“Ok asshole.”

Ryan smiles slightly, albeit, sheepishly.

“I like being physical with my friends, so I don’t mind or really care if you wanna cuddle, dude. I know you would rather not have people touch you, so I’m just kinda surprised you wanna cuddle. I never want to make you uncomfortable so I try not to initiate anything, you know?”

Ryan contemplates what Matt said. Of course Matt would find this amusing. Why would he expect Ryan to suddenly want physical interaction with his friend? He’s never asked to before so why would he now? 

The two of them stare at each other for what feels like minutes before continuing their conversation.

“Is this awkward?” Ryan asks.

“I mean we’ve done weirder stuff this just feels like... I don’t know...”

“Intimate?”

Ryan scratches the back of his head tucking a piece of his hair behind his ears.

“I guess, but I don’t mind. It shouldn’t be. You’re my best friend, I think we should be able to cuddle without it being weird.”

Ryan nods slightly at this consensus and agrees.

“Yeah ok.”  
Ryan smiles crookedly with the other breathing out an anxious but genuine laugh.  
He motions Matt to come, closing off any space between them from before. Matt eyes him a little confusingly but does so anyways. 

As Matt scoots closer to Ryan, he brings the toss pillow and blanket that lay next to them on the couch.

Ryan pulls an arm around Matt securely and nuzzles into him more placing his chin on Matt’s shoulder. A warmth spreads across both their cheeks as their faces are only inches away. Matt doesn’t directly look at Ryan, due to the older man’s position of holding Matt sideways. 

Ryan scoops Matt more into himself feeling content. The lankier man picks his phone back up scrolling through social media with Ryan peering over to see what was on it.

Matt kept adjusting, trying to get comfortable but couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t.

“Hey, wasn’t cuddling and shit you’re idea? Don’t you wanna be little spoon or whatever?” Matt pipes up after several minutes of them scrolling through monkey videos on YouTube and Twitter.

Ryan looked up at Matt questionably.

“You wanna spoon me?”

“Yes. I’d rather be the spooner if I’m being honest.”

Ryan puckered his lips entertained with this notion. He had never really been little spoon before as he figure he should always be the more dominant one even in non sexual scenarios. He had always hated the stereotype of looking more masculine and bigger equating to being more dominant. So he wasn’t opposed.

“I mean yeah sure if it’s more comfortable.”

Matt happily sat up straighter turning towards Ryan patting his lap for him to join.

“Dude, I’m gonna crush you.”

“Oh my god, no you won’t.”

“Yes I will.”

Matt thought for a moment.

“Fine, then sit in between my legs and I’ll straddle you facing forward.”

Ryan tilted his head back at the word “straddle” but didn’t say no.

In their new position they sat with legs intertwined with one another directly facing each other. If they wanted to avoid intimacy before they now didn’t have much choice in this new position, but they didn’t mind. At least Matt didn’t.

Ryan has always kept being physical usually and mostly with his significant others in the past. Mostly to do with liking his own space, but also assuming others weren’t interested unless you were dating. Matt was the exception where they did wild and boundary crossing things most friends didn’t engage with one another. 

But his relationship with Matt was always different, and always felt different in a good way. As if lately, he wasn’t sure if his changing feelings of his best friend was really a good thing, especially now in this situation.

“You know I heard that humans need four hugs a day.”

Ryan’s thoughts are cut short.  
He stops thumbing through twitter aimlessly.

“Huh?”

“Or maybe it was nine? I’m not sure. Isn’t that crazy though? I honestly can’t think the last time I’ve have more than 2 hugs a day.”

Ryan thinks to himself, “I can’t even remember the last time I had a hug.”

Matt resumes looking though dumb memes and videos and casually continues talking.

“I’ve also heard that a lot of people would be more satisfied and happy with just more physical contact in even the smallest of things too. Not everyone works like that, but we are social beings I guess.”

Whenever Matt pipes up about the most random of things Ryan can’t help but roll his eyes but also hush at it. They both acted like random and not so always accurate encyclopedias parroting weird and random information to one another when relevant.

Ryan hums in response. This is nice. He’s never been this close to Matt, and if he’s being frank with himself, he enjoys the scent of Matt. Not necessarily his BO or anything, but the mix of his lightly scented shampoo in his hair with the dew of oil was comforting. It’s like he recognized what he smelled like; it was much more in his face due to their proximity.

Ryan shook his thoughts.  
‘What the hell, I’m being weird, who the hell thinks about smelling someone’s hair?’

As if Matt could read his mind, the younger man butts in Ryan’s head once again to disengage his thoughts.

“Dude this is gonna sound strange but I fucking love how you smell right now.”

Ryan blinks a few times.

“Pfft, what do ya mean?”

Matt dips his forehead on Ryan’s shoulder tenderly and sighs.

“I think it’s the conditioner you use. And you. You smell like Ryan. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s nice.”

The dark haired man smiles to himself confidently.

“I was literally just thinking the same thing.”

Matt’s eyes look as if they were going to pop out of his head. He laughs,  
“That’s crazy. You know what I mean though? Some people have stronger smells or scents than others. Yours has always been pretty mild, but if you leave a hoodie over at our place I sometimes smell it cause it smells like you.”

Ryan continues to stare at his friend in awe and shock. A mischievous grin comes over him.  
“You sniff my hoodies?”  
Matt bites his lip and an undertone of pink spreads across his face.

“Yeah. Is that weird?”

Ryan smiles.  
“A little bit, yeah. I’d probably do the same too, but you don’t leave many hoodies at my place. Only your fucking underwear. And I have no desire to smell where those have been.”  
Matt’s laughing now shoving Ryan away as much as he could given their position.  
“Fuuuuuck off, dude.”  
Ryan shrugs and continues to look through YouTube.

A another beat or two passes before Matt quietly adds “sometimes I even lie that I don’t know where your hoodie is so I can wear it around the house.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry though, I usually fold them up and put them in my underwear drawer before returning them to you.”

Ryan grunts,  
“Gee thanks Matt, now I have dirty underwear spread all over my hoodie!”

“I’ll have you know MOST of my underwear are clean in my drawer, thank you very much.”

Ryan rolls his eyes.

“Whatever. You’re just lucky you’re nobody else but Matt Watson.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re already stinky, so whats a couple of dirty underwear gonna do?”

Matt flicks him on the forehead, receiving a “fuck you” from Ryan.

•••

A few hours had passed since their initial desire to “spoonfully hold one another” as Matt had put it making Ryan cringe at the choice of words. 

Selecting something off of Netflix tamed both of their nerves, more so of Ryan than the other. They had switched to different positions talking to each other about various things that mainly included work. Ryan said that maybe they should have done a impromptu sleepover at one of their apartments instead of where they work and see each other pretty much everyday. 

Matt waved it off saying,  
“Both of our roommates and dorm buddies are home. It’s nice to just be alone.” Matt said curled into Ryan’s left side. 

“That why we have bedrooms.”

“I know I just don’t want them being annoying. I don’t know. I love em, but I just wanted to be with you I guess. Just you and me? Like old times.”

The bearded man blushes at the sentiment, then immediately stops and starts feeling guilty.

“Ah, sorry... I usually do wanna hang outside of work I just... I don’t know it takes a lot out of me. Not that you take a lot out of me it’s more of-“

“It’s ok I get it. I’m usually with other people when I invite you to hang out. I’m usually assuming you’ll say no.”

Ryan peers down at the skinnier man almost completely balled up into himself while mindlessly watching Breaking Bad as mostly background noise.

“Really? Have I turned that much into a recluse?”

“Well, that’s how you’ve always been.”

Ryan pauses.

“Sorry.”

“Why are you saying sorry, Ryan.”  
Matt snickers to himself.

“If anything, I haven’t asked to just hang out with you and you only in a long time.”

“Well, we’re hangin out now.”  
Ryan holds Matt closer in a snug way that makes Matt’s heart skip a beat, though he’s not sure why. 

“Fuck, we use to see each other so fucking much.” 

“Yeah I know,” Matt says breathily, through a yawn.

He continues, “It was like rooming with someone in college, except with no classes, and no looking towards graduation. Just trying to make it out here.”

Matt thinks to himself about all the late nights (or even just all nighters) they would pull just to get their videos uploaded on time in their humble little apartment. And now here they were sitting and hanging out in their own recording room in an office. Their office. 

He pondered about it and still held onto those memories of trying to build their channel. Putting in endless hours of effort with his friend Ryan.

Ryan. He really was one of the first people to be his friend out in lonely LA. Though it had been initially their mutual friend Daniel that had brought them together, he still considered Ryan a friend at the beginning of getting to know them.

He honestly thought he couldn’t get Ryan to crack. Crack as in show more than his charming and witty demeanor that they both shared. When it came to Daniel, it felt natural for the two of them to initially get along and get to know one another on an emotional level. As for Ryan, Matt had always felt like he was stepping on the man’s toes. Even now Matt has felt like there was some kind of blocked wall that kept them from acting on and being more in tuned with their deep understanding and caring for one another. 

So Matt continues to wonder, why now? Why would Ryan really want to hold him this closely? 

The younger of the two couldn’t wrap his head around it, and quite frankly, he knew he wouldn’t be able to. The mysteries of Ryan were still there, just not as apparent as in the beginning.

Ryan rubbed at Matt’s shoulders, and as if on cue, Matt assumes it for a funny bit. He then realizes they had been doing much more intimate acts for the past few hours such a cuddling. But the shoulder rubbing caused an exaggerated reaction from Matt, causing him to jolt both his shoulders up quickly, knocking Ryan’s hand a little ways.

“Hey- what, you alright?”

Matt turned back at his friend and thought to himself “fuck.”

The duskier man peered into Matt’s eyes with concern as he leaned back a bit to read his face.

“Sorry, did I hurt you? Your shoulders sore? I don’t know why I did that, I was just trying to get your attention.” Ryan smiles awkwardly at the end of his sentiment and stifles a chuckle.

Now it was Matt’s turn to feel fully and utterly weird.

“Matt, whats up?”

Ryan hears a sigh.

“Nothing it’s just... thinking.”

Ryan hummed a “ahh.”

“About?”

Matt sat with himself rubbing his knees while pulling at his fingers. He gazed back at friend noticing features about Ryan he never had taken in account before. The dimly lit room caressed the angular yet soft features of Ryan, outlining his cheeks making them appear more round than usual. And Matt thought to himself that his friend was very much similar to how he appeared: angular but curved. Hard but soft. Indifferent but intimate. His realization started to make it feel like his brain did a back flip, finally getting another view on his perspective on his fondness for Ryan.

Was that what this was all about? Some stupid little crush on his best friend? 

Thinking about it audibly in his head made Matt feel even more guilty and gross for some reason.

‘C’mon man, he just wanted to cuddle and be with his friend, and you’re thinking about kissing him now? What are you, 15?’  
Despite those judgmental thoughts spewing from Matt’s brain, there was still part of him wanting to say something. 

“I don’t know. I just miss you.”  
Matt trails off saying the last part more in question than anything.

Ryan seems to zone out for a minute or two thinking in his head what the other had said. Matt quickly cuts him off before he can continue.

“Not like miss you miss you? Well I do but not really? I don’t know how to explain it, sorry.”  
Matt instinctively covers his face like a child embarrassed of what he said.

“S’ok. You can take your time. Or we don’t have to talk right now. Not that I don’t wanna talk.”

Ryan began fumbling his words again while Matt peeks through his fingers looking at his friend with hidden soft eyes.

‘Of course he’s not good at this either,” Matt thinks to himself. Then why was he nervous?

“I think I know what you mean, though,” Ryan continues off of his previous nonsense.

“I just didn’t wanna say anything? We see each other pretty often and I didn’t wanna be...”

“Clingy?”

“Yeah. Annoying. I didn’t want to be or make you feel overwhelmed.”

Matt nods his head.

“I guess that’s what I was trying to say. I miss us.”

Matt burns bright red at the sentence.

“Us as in just being us. As in feeling secluded. I suppose.”

Matt laces his fingers into Ryan’s meticulously and hums contently.

“I didn’t wanna be selfish and not share you.”

Ryan feels as if his heart was going to pop right out of his rib cage. They’ve had close and intimate conversations before, but this felt different. It felt more real. 

“Same. I mean when I would just wanna hang out with you no one else.” Ryan’s words got breathy due to his head spinning feeling a weight being lifted off his shoulders. 

This feels good. It’s good to talk. At least he tells himself that to ease the tension pent up in himself.

Matt dopily but happily smiles into Ryan’s chest breathing out a “really?”

“Well yeah, I told you that before too.”

“Yeah but I more so thought because of your anxiety.”

Ryan laughs to himself about his flaws,  
“Yeah well that doesn’t really help either if I’m being honest.”

Matt peers up at him cheerfully  
“You’ve gotten better about it though. Not that it’s bad to not want to see a lot of people. Just how you are. But I know it bothers you.”

Ryan nods a yeah and looks down at Matt peering up at him. A moment of silence fills the air, both waiting with anticipation. Matt wasn’t really sure what he was waiting for, but Ryan had a chant racing in his mind over and over for the past few minutes.

‘Closer. Closer. Get closer. Closer.’

Ryan’s racing mind repeats itself in the background over and over while conversing with Matt- until it’s not.

The endless and mindless chant doesn’t need to be played on repeat when their proximity away from one another is completely closed off by the touch of their lips against one another.

Ryan leaned forward slowly, bumping noses with Matt at first, much like a high schooler or first time kisser does on a date. This makes Matt laugh genuinely, but doesn’t move an inch further away from the older friend. In fact it brings him closer.  
Ryan fully encloses their lips together, maybe growing impatient with asking Matt’s permission without words. (Though the way Matt stared at him and laughed inching closer made Ryan think it was fine.)

The tickle of Ryan’s beard confused Matt for a moment taking him out. He had never genuinely kissed someone with a beard. He thought about the times they had pecked on the lips as bits, but it didn’t feel weird to him now. It sent a shot of electricity down his spine and through out his body instead. But much to his surprise, Ryan’s soft beard came with chastely soft lips that felt like it fit him as a missing puzzle piece.

In fact, Matt wondered why he didn’t experience kissing people with beards more often. Or he should think of instead, why he assumed he was straight in the first place. 

Neither one of them denied ever thinking of men in that light, but were far more attracted to women than men, no doubt. So it never really came up.

Ryan presses more heavily into the kiss, with Matt immediately reciprocating back, making Ryan feel ecstatic sharing the same feeling. 

The lighter haired man opens his mouth ever so slightly to test to see his limit with Ryan, but the bearded man happily obliges. 

Taking Matt fully into himself, Ryan breathes out a happy moan with the other laughing into their kiss. 

Matt still slightly leaning up towards Ryan combs through Ryan’s hair gently while taking his other arm and wrapping around his midsection squeezing. Ryan held Matt’s jaw in both his hands fully holding his head to make sure he didn’t escape. 

Matt slightly adjusts so that his long and gangily legs wrap around the sides of Ryan’s torso, holding him self up by slightly hanging off of Ryan while holding him.

And Ryan thought to himself that he could stay like this. Stay like this forever and never move time. And after parting for a few seconds to breathe every once in awhile, it’s when Matt pulls back even longer than before, fully looking at Ryan.

“Wow.”  
Matt giggles rubbing at his eyes from being tired.  
Ryan doesn’t say anything but smiles lazily at Matt rubbing his beard methodically thinking of what to say next.

“So I was gonna tell you I think I have some kind of feelings for you, but I think my actions spoke first.” Ryan robotically says in an awkward tone.

“Yeah no kidding.”

“So...”

“So?”

“How was it?” Ryan asks goofily exaggerating the tone.  
Matt looks back at Ryan and shoves a pillow in his face aggressively.

“You fucking dick, shut the hell up.”

“What?”

Matt continues to laugh, muttering a “you’re such a piece of work.”

“I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t expect you to kiss me.” Ryan looks at him annoyingly.

“You kissed me.”

Matt swings his legs around Ryan to give themselves space to breathe while talking.

“You’re full of shit! You were THIS close away from my face!” Matt demonstrates with his hand hovering over his nose.

“You went fully in for it though,” Ryan teases.

“Only because you seemed so desperate, horn dog.”

Ryan smiles at the statement but a look of grief follows quickly after, almost masked fast enough that Matt was close to not catching it.

“Not that- I know you didn’t kiss me because you were horny. I mean that’s not what I got from it.”

Ryan looked at him with wanting with more.

“What did you get from it?”

Matt thought for a beat or two.

“I don’t know. Same thing as me? Passion.”  
Matt starts out asking it as a question and ends with a knowing statement.

Ryan grabs his hand and squeezes it quickly a couple times.

“I’m gonna be honest, I was a little turned on.”

Matt smiles his toothy grin dopily.

“All from a kiss, you fuckin virg?”

“Hey I’m not the one that got off to a hand kiss.”

Matt scoffs,  
“Only because you did it so seductively. How could I not?”

He’s kidding of course, but now after their conversations and kiss, there’s an inkling or truth in the rhetorical question.

Ryan grabs Matt’s hand again and kisses it gently, continuing to pecker kisses on his hand along his arm. Matt feels the hairs on the back of neck stand up along with his arm hairs.

“Alright alright, enough Casanova, keep doing that and I’m gonna have to kiss you again.”

Ryan plants the last kiss longer than the rest and tauntingly asks  
“I thought I kissed you?”

Matt puffs into the air with fake irritability and lays back down but still facing Ryan. 

He checks his phone, reading 2 am.

“Ry, maybe we should get going.”

Matt says reluctantly twirling his thumbs together.

“Like right now?”

“Yeah.”

“No,” Ryan leans over and grabs Matt fully making fake crying noises.

“You can’t just leave after having an emotional moment between us.”

Matt chuckles turning around casually planting a kiss on Ryan’s forehead, taking him aback.

“Can we talk about this after work?”

“You mean in 10 hours?”

Matt rolls his eyes again,  
“Yes.”

“Fine.”

The two of them clean up the area they had put in disarray from moving around blankets and pillows. Heading out the door of the office felt odd as they casually spent hours together alone late at night, something they hadn’t done before.

As Ryan goes to sit in the driver’s seat of his car, he notices Matt’s almost unseeable silhouette and he does the same.

Both their interiors car lights turn on illuminating the dark area around them.

Matt looks over at Ryan tiredly but it looks cheerful and not a mundane tired he usually exerts.  
Ryan waves distinctly before pulling out of the driveway and on the road.

On his way back, he hears his phone going off, but decides to look at it until he arrives home, thinking it was too late and too much to answer it. He does turn it over quickly to to see Matt’s name appear, then wondering if he forgot anything at the office he may have noticed.

As he reached for his phone, it went to voice mail right away. Ryan waves it off figuring he’ll call him back.

Pulling into his drive way and turning his head lights off, he leans against his car and calls him back. He figures it would be easier than walking in and startling Lego up and everyone else. 

“Hey what’s up?”

A disheveled noise is heard on Matt’s end not answering Ryan’s greeting at all.

“Matt? Did you butt dial me?”

“No hey, sorry,” he still sounds a bit muffled for some reason but Ryan goes with it.

“Whatcha need?”

“I just wanted to say,” he takes a deep breath in before continuing.

“Just wanted to say that I hope you know, well I guess know now, that I do like you a lot. Like a lot. And I just wanted to make sure you knew that. Know that.”

Ryan’s smiling ear to ear, feeling as if he was glowing.

“I know, I could tell.”

Matt breathes a breathy but short laugh.

“Well yeah I know I just- I didn’t want you to think you’re some kind of rebound or anything-“

“I’m the rebound?”

“Ryan.” 

Ryan laughs.

“I know, you dork.”

“Well HOW would you know?”

Ryan pauses.

“Jackson tells me things.”

“Things?”

A moment of silence falls between them on the phone. Then Matt wraps his head around Ryan’s comment.

“Wait wait wait- has Jackson been telling you about? About what I’ve been saying?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

Matt scoffs in disbelief.

“Why were you so unsure then?”

Ryan pondered the question. He looks over to the flickering lamp post mimicking his thought process at the moment.

“I just thought he was seeing things that weren’t there. Your feelings I guess. He never straight up told me ya’ll talked about me though.”  
Ryan smiles thinking about Matt trying to share with Jackson his feelings for Ryan.

“Aaaagh! I’m gonna fucking kill him! Bitch ass can’t keep a secret to himself!”

“A secret, hm?”

Matt sounds as if he shoves his phone down.

“Are you at home?” Ryan asks worriedly.

“Yeah yeah, I’m in bed, sorry.” 

Ryan hums contently lilting the idea of Matt thinking about him in his bed. He shakes his thoughts gaining back to the conversation.

“It’s ok.”

“Yeah well now it is!”

Ryan laughs, “shhh, aren’t they sleeping?”

Matt becomes louder, “no, they fucking aren’t!”

More laughter erupts from the older man before settling down into a yawn.

“I’m going to bed now, good night Matthew.”

Ryan can feel Matt’s smile through the phone when he gushes,  
“Good night, Ryan.”


	2. Skinny Loveish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan is anxious about their status and wonders where it could lead to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey part two of the stupid hand kiss from that one truck simulator episode hahaaha u probably didn’t expect that one, huh?
> 
> Sooo I didn’t expect me to want to continue off this supposedly one off, but I have some ideas of slow burnish type ish???
> 
> I wanna do some chapters from more of Matt’s POV but right now I think it’s appropriate to really get into how Ryan is feeling and all that because I wanted to portray him as pining a lot harder (at least in the beginning.) I like the trope/idea of misaligned attractions people have towards one another. (Obviously in fiction, irl it sucks ass, but I want ANGST and pining haha.) I won’t go into too much details, but I’m posting this second chapter to hold myself more accountable to continue this!! (Unlike my first fan fic on here, OOPSIE!!)
> 
> (I’ve probably written another chapter or two by the time I post this because I have COMMITMENT ISSUES AND IT EXTENDS TO EVEN STUFF I DO ENJOY ((like this :P)) )
> 
> Edit: I have a couple more chapters coming ;)))
> 
> I can’t promise a stable schedule of posting chapters but I will try my very best. Ryatt tag is and has been dry for awhile and it hurts my soul. 
> 
> I hope to expand my ability to build this up and have a satisfying ending!
> 
> Gonna add more tags to this eventually too, sorry this is a really long note!!! Aaaa!!!
> 
> Anyways, toodles!! <333

A few weeks go by without any significant change in their behavior. Though their feelings for one another were put in front of one eachother, neither one of them knew what an appropriate next step was. Hashing things out and talking it out would probably do the trick, they each individually thought to themselves. The thing is, they haven’t talked much about their night of confessing feelings to one another. 

And it began to eat at Ryan.

In the following days came two grumpy men that stayed up later than they had wanted to. Again. Matt shows up ten minutes later after Ryan, looking in a hurry.

“It’s like 10:30, what’s the rush?”

Ryan asks almost disinterested in Matt’s appearance.

“I thought you said to be here by 10?”

Ryan puffs out a laugh,  
“I was kidding.”

“Wha- why?”

Ryan pulls himself from around the counter closer to Matt.

“Because I knew that we both wouldn’t be here at 10. It was a to-“ Ryan thinks about revealing his reverse psychology to Matt, but decides to leave it.

“Never mind. I just wanted to make sure I was here on time I guess.”

Matt breathes an “ok,” and they both head off to the recording room.

Every time Matt and Ryan do see each other even in their work environment, Ryan feels himself get deeper and deeper in his feelings.

His feelings.

He scoffs at the thought once again for being in so deep in his own thoughts. He despises having a tugging feeling always apparent in the back of his of having deeper feelings for Matt.

And even wincing at the thought of it being pretty out in the open. At least as open as they had gotten. They had only exchanged as to having some kind of feelings for one another, but Ryan couldn’t help but feel that maybe he was in a tiny bit deeper than Matt.

But he just was happy to know that his friend Jackson and his brothers were already very aware of their mutual attraction towards one another. Not that they had wanted to keep it a secret, it was more of not wanting to admit it per say. 

And though they had to continued their more romantic and physical relationship with one another, their status seemed to hang in the air as if it didn’t really matter.

And did it? Matt didn’t seem to mind and not give a fuck, but Ryan felt confused. At least from his perspective he felt as if Matt was taking this a lot more casual than he has been. And Ryan was the king of casual. Totally cool and not over thinking.

Totally not over analyzing everything his dear friend Matt does or says.

Then why did things feel the same? Did he want things to stay the same?

Truthfully he was scared of being closer with Matt in that way because he didn’t want to fuck up any of their foundations.  
Relationships and sex were messy to him and Matt felt too special to bring that down onto him.

So maybe he was just attracted to Matt and enjoyed his company in spirit and in physicality.

Makes sense.

Matt shoves Ryan’s shoulder bringing him out of his thoughts and back to their truck simulator game. 

“DUDE WE FLIPPED OVER AGAIN!”

“I DIDN’T- GOD DAMNIT!”

Ryan howls with frustration and laughter as Matt curls in on himself cackling away at their predicament.

“This happens way to fucking often.”  
Matt wipes a tear away from his eyes adjusting his crooked hat.  
Ryan continues to hurriedly turn the connected steering wheel, accidentally kicking it off the peg along with disconnecting the pedals.

“This fucking wheel-“

“It’s fine it’s fine!”  
Matt yells with a smile on his face.

“Easy for you to say I’m driving right now.”

Matt’s eyes the other and he cracks “oh hush, here give me it, I’ll drive the rest of the way.”

•••

Another end to their day.

“Sweet” Matt thinks to himself.

He wonders if he should grab a late-ish dinner on his way home or if Harrison has said he had cooked something.

Did he say?  
For some reason Matt couldn’t remember, but his stomach growled none the less at the lack of food consumed throughout the day.  
Leaning against the door frame leading out of the recording room, Ryan greets him again to say goodbye.

“Alright well, I’m headin out now, gonna see if Lego got into anything, again.”  
Ryan declares tiredly, growing impatient with his pooche’s new found interest in going through not only his stuff but his roommate’s stuff. 

Matt agrees it’s probably best for Ryan to head out right away, although there was still part of him wanting to linger around with Ryan a bit more.

“Oh yeah. Actually,” Matt pockets his phone in the back of his jeans, grabbing his hips and shrugging his shoulders.

“I was gonna see if you would maybe wanna catch some dinner with me?”

Ryan turns around from their front door frame and pauses.

“Tonight?”

“No, tomorrow,” Matt quips annoyingly.

Ryan frowns more at Matt’s sarcasm.  
“Alright what time?”

“Like, 9? Whenever you’re done with Lego?”

Ryan thinks to himself.

“I don’t have much at home if I’m  
being honest, but I can pick up some stuff on my way home and whip something up-“

“Ry, no no,” Matt laughs lovingly.

“I’m not inviting myself over to your place, I’m asking if you wanna go out with me. My treat.”

Ryan slowly blinks, realizing how dumb he probably sounds.

He sallows.  
“Oh uh yeah for sure.”

He continues his way out the door with Matt behind him.

“Not to just invite myself over,” Matt says behind the older man,  
“But can I just hop in with you?”

Matt had taken an Uber this morning instead of his car due to it getting an oil change.

Ryan smiles to himself “well since you’re so upfront about it, sure. A little disappointed you didn’t say please though.”  
Matt has already made his way over to the passenger seat and replies with a  
“Thank you,” and pouts his lips jokingly tilting his head, mimicking a stupid voice.

•••

Ryan comes through his front door a little obnoxiously, as even his bombardness startled Lego up more than usual. The dog quickly hops up from his lounge position to greet the two men.

The owner happily greeted his dog’s licks and attention, with Lego noticing the extra person behind Ryan right away.

“Hey Lego shmego,” Matt cooed at the pooch.

Lego happily pranced while encircling Matt as they walked in more to the place in the living room. Ryan’s roommate’s left the couch and chair quite disheveled with some soda cans on their coffee table with blankets and pillows thrown around. Ryan didn’t seem to notice and dashed straight towards the kitchen.

Matt continues patting the furry friend and kneeling down towards his level.

“You gettin into stuff, bud?”  
Matt asks scratching the back of his ear.  
Lego licks at the back of Matt’s hand gently almost looking as if he was smiling.

Matt pops back up and noticed his friend has disappeared behind the pantry door, seemingly quiet.

“You do know we are going out to eat, right?”

Matt pops up from behind Ryan with him getting startled from Matt’s sudden closeness and appearance.

“God you’re so fucking quiet don’t do that shit,” Ryan huffs with a laugh.

“I was making sure my roommates kept this closed so Lego wouldn’t get into anything. Again!”

Ryan emphasizes the “again” pointedly gazing at Lego with a disapproving look. Lego tilts his head up at his human, trying to decipher the rather cold tone in his voice.

Matt scans the pantry with Ryan quickly and adds,

“Looks like he’s clean!”

“...For now.” Ryan declares.

“I’m gonna check my bedroom first and get changed, be right back.”

Ryan flashes away hurriedly with the sound of his door shutting.  
Matt continues to stand looking down at Lego, who has now occupied himself with a tennis ball, picking it up and dropping it on the floor entertaining himself.

Matt crouches down to the dog’s height, with the tennis ball at his toes, Lego staring at the toy pointedly.

The lanky man quickly grabs the ball, making Lego flinch towards his hand in anticipation of the human taking it.

Matt stands up waving the ball above Lego playfully chanting, “C’mere! Want the ball?”

Lego stares down the ball as if his life depended on it, absolutely tuning everything and anything else that didn’t involve the ball.

Matt awed at the golden pooch at how concentrated and determined he looked at obtaining it once again.

With a quick toss down the hallway, Lego frantically lept down the hardwood floor, practically skating on the slippery surface.

The ball bounced off the wall once it did reach the end of the hallway, and when it did, Lego was met quickly with the wall, slamming his body against it.

Ryan pops his head out, then stepping out his room turned towards Lego now happily nodding his head up and down with the ball in his mouth.  
Prancing back towards Matt almost as if he were bragging that HIS toy was once again in his grasp.

Matt chuckles and adds  
“Sorry I forgot how much he slides around on the floor.”  
Ryan giggles at the clumsy dog still shaking his head up towards Matt trying to show him his toy.

“He’s such a goof, he always does that shit in here.”

Lego continues to rub up and against Matt circling him while swaying the lanky man back and forth.

“Lego stop bein a whore,” Ryan sighed annoyingly trying to shoo the dog away from his friend.

“He just missed me I guess,” Matt says through a smile rubbing the back of his head.

Ryan places his hands on his hips while puckering his lips thinking.

“So where you thinking we should get some grub?”

Matt pondered the question almost too long before answering.

“I don’t really know actually. I was thinking maybe we could get take out and dine in this fine establishment,” he gestured widely about in the living room.

“Oh?”

“If you want. Or I could take you out still if you want.”

“Take ME out?” Ryan interjects Matt’s offer.

“Yeah.”

“I drove you.”

Matt scoffs,  
“I can get an Uber. Don’t worry about it, baby.”

Matt finger guns his friend playfully while clicking his tongue. 

Ryan’s eye lids hang heavily making a face at Matt’s joking pet name.

“I don’t care, we can get take out if you want.”

Matt looks like he has won a prize and whispered shouted “sweet!”

“Could we get some of that Chinese down a few blocks?

“Yes we can!” Matt exclaims excitedly pulling out his phone hurriedly.

“I don’t think they have phones though.”

“Ok so- what?”  
Matt asks looking up from his phone.

“I tried ordering some by calling them but it kept going to an unset up voicemail. The lady who runs it says they’re getting a new home phone in a few weeks though.”

“Why don’t they just use another phone?”

Ryan shrugs.

“I don’t know, I went there physically and asked why no one was answering and she gave my that answer.”

Matt scratched the back of his neck.

“Alrighty, looks like we’re ubering!”

“It’s fine it’ll be faster to just take my car.”

Matt’s shoulder slumped at the offer,

“You sure?”

“Yes. Why are you so focused on taking an Uber?” Ryan asked innocently while chuckling.

“I don’t know I wanted to treat you.”

“Offer’s still up, I’ll drive and you can treat me.” Ryan states matter of factually.

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

•••

“I can’t believe they didn’t have egg rolls.” 

Ryan sits down next to Matt on his couch grabbing a bag in front of him.

“I know. Isn’t that like a Chinese food staple?”

Ryan rolls his head disappointedly.  
“At least Americanized Chinese food. I want fried shitty goodness that’s not good for me!”

Ryan pouts while opening up a container of orange chicken.

“Could I steal a few bites of that?”  
Matt points his fork at Ryan’s plate.

“Yeah, gimme some of your dumplings though.”

“Not fair you could have ordered dumplings if you wanted!”

Ryan gestures his head defiantly making a face,

“So could have you!”

Matt rolls his eyes and picks out two dumplings and plops them on Ryan’s plate.

“Thank yoooou” Ryan sang out while holding out the container of orange chicken to Matt.

While gouging their food and finishing up, Matt kicks his shoes off and places his feet up along the couch towards Ryan.

Matt points his long foot at Ryan batting him on the face.

“Ew- fucking gross Matt.”

Matt waves his foot around with a smirk,  
“Smell em, bitch.”

With a mouth full of food Ryan scrunches his face up swallowing,  
“You got a foot fetish, bud?”

Matt instantly narrows his eyes then grabs his foot, taking his sock off and flinging it at his friend.

The younger man is met with a list of profanities from Ryan having been face planted by Matt’s outrageously gross sock.

But Matt thinks it’s funny so it’s ok.

“You’re so fuckin gross.”

“Am not,” Matt argues.

“I guess you’re right. You’re gross when it doesn’t affect you, but gross when it affects others.”

“Gee, thanks, Ryan.” Matt takes his other sock off plopping it on the ground.

Ryan shrugs at his statement contently with Lego staring at the two of them still begging for some food.

Still digging around his plate in his nearly empty container of rice and chicken, he noticed Matt scrolling through his phone with a mundane look.

“You wanna play some video games or something?”

Matt thinks to himself.

“I don’t know. We could play some more Fall Guys? Or- oh! What’s something you’ve been playing at home a lot?”

Ryan smirks at Matt’s offer.  
‘Cute,’ he thinks to himself.  
‘He thinks he’ll be able to play shit I play.’

“Nothing really as of lately. Plus you would probably suck at all of them anyways,”  
Ryan says with a nonchalant grin.

“Yeah yeah, I know, I meant I could just watch you play, ya know.”

Ryan looks back over at Matt holding his head up looking at the TV screen that had been playing mostly as background noise. 

Sometimes Ryan felt like he didn’t deserve Matt. Though he gave him a lot of shit, he loved how interested Matt was (or at least tried to act) would be in what Ryan would do outside of seeing one another. It didn’t seem to phase Matt at all wanting to do that, but it still melted the older man’s heart each time he did. But that’s what friends do, right?

“Well that sounds pretty boring for you though. Plus you do that pretty much all day at work.”

“Hey! I play sometimes...” Matt says defensively with slight sarcasm.

“Well, what do you wanna do?”  
Ryan asks moving on.

Matt leans his head on the back of the couch contemplating on how to entertain themselves.

“How bout some truth or dare?”

Ryan instantly tilts his head to one side dropping his eye lids smiling.

“Are we in fucking high school-“ 

“Ahhh, cmon I don’t know, you throw out some ideas!”  
Matt interprets Ryan’s judgmental comment he knew would inevitably come with the suggestion.

“I just mean, the last time I actually played that I was a freshmen in high school, Matt.”

“Yeah and? Perfect time to pick that back up, bud.”

Ryan snickers dropping his head into his hands while rubbing his eyes.

After several minutes of them sitting there with blank expressions Ryan breaks the silence next with  
“I mean I guess we could do something like that. I was gonna say board games, though I don’t have any.”

“Very helpful, Ryan.”

The two men exchange some what tired expressions, but Matt caves in the silence once more.

“Ok,” Matt pushes Ryan softly,  
“Truth or dare.”

Ryan groans at the obvious question asked cringing at the idea of them fully engaging in this.

“This is so dumb.”

“You’re dumb. Do you wanna play or not?!”

“Sounds like you’re peer pressuring me.”

Ryan raises his voice jokingly sticking out his tongue.

“Truth.”

Matt blows raspberries shouting a “borinnnng! Fine.”

Matt thinks for a moment trying to think of any dirt he has on Ryan that he wants the truth on. A mischievous smile spreads on his face peering at his friend.

“Ok tell me something that I’m unaware of that would piss me off.”

“Why?”

“Because you chose truth.” Matt says matter of factually.

“Yeah but why such a shitty truth though.” Ryan asks glumly.

“It would be easy if you weren’t hiding anything.”

Ryan groans again and hops up from the couch and walks towards the kitchen. Matt continues to watch Ryan open his fridge and heres clinking sounds.

“I’m gonna need a little something to bare any of this.”

He comes back with two white claws and a gallon of Tito’s.

“Ryan you can’t make fun of me for wanting to play truth or dare then pull out white claws-“

“Fuck you, they’re good!”

“Also I thought you didn’t like Tito’s?”

Ryan nudges at the large glass bottle,  
“Mostly for you. But might need it later.”

“You calling me an alcoholic?”

“You’re right, don’t want you to get fucked up like do around liquor,” he says pulling the glass bottle more towards himself with a taunting smile.  
Matt makes a face at the comment and continues on,

“Alright cmon. Tell me something I don’t know.”

Matt’s thought grinds in the back of his mind.  
‘What exactly am I asking him?’

“Alright gimme a sec.” Ryan sets down his freshly opened white claw and rubs his chin.

“Remember how I said I would masturbate with the door open in our old apartment?”

Matt looks up with more interest than before and nods.

“Yeah.”

“And I said that, no, I most defiantly don’t and have not masturbated on the couch?”

“Ok Ryan I get it.”

Ryan laughs at Matt’s already awkward comment and continues talking,

“Oh no, it gets worse.”

He adjusts himself fully sitting up using his hands for emphasis while talking.

“So one night, when you were gone on your first Japan trip, my toilet was not fucking working. Like at all. So I took a shit in your bathroom. The plumbing wasn’t working, yadda yadda yadda.”  
Matt sips his drink and nods agreeing he did remember Ryan mentioning that to Matt, making him feel at ease that Ryan was upfront about being in his room while being away. But where this was going was making Matt nervous even though it’s in the past.

“Man- when I tell you I had the fattest shit,” Ryan opens his arms for emphasis,  
“I mean it was BIG. And a lot. I hadn’t pooped for like 5 days and was stocked up so I needed to GO. Might as well have called my the great pumpkin from Charlie Brown, only I’m not great, and I think a pumpkin is a lot more charming.” 

Matt laughed in awe at Ryan’s ridiculous story telling skills even if it was describing something as disgusting as Ryan’s big ass shits. He continues listening almost forgetting that this was supposed to be something regrettable.

“So I was in there for maybe 2 hours. I was constipated as fuck, and when I finally did emerge out of there, I was tired.”

“Tired of shititin?”

“Exhausted. I was sweating, my ass hurt, and I was already tired because it was I think around 6 am.

I was so tired I just flopped out in your bed on my phone for a while then passed the hell out.”

“I do remember you telling me it was the most tiresome shit yet,” Matt nodded towards the older man.

“So then I woke up. I think about 2 1/2 to 3 hours later if I remember correctly, and I got on my phone right away tiredly still laying in you bed, may I remind you.”

“Yes, you’ve made that clear.”

Ryan smiles openly and chuckles,

“Ok cause you’re gonna get a kick out of this one.” He purses his lips together nervously but still smiling at the his own story.

“All I’m gonna say is... I was really horny. So I may have cranked a few out-“

“RYAN!”

Ryan bursts out laughing holding his sides while shaking his head at himself.

“Do you just masturbate fucking everywhere? Wait- a few times?”

Ryan wipes tears away from his eyes adding, “wait wait I didn’t get to the worst part oh my god I’m so sorry Matt,” he says in between fits.

“My fucking god Ryan what the hell else did you do.”

“I totally found your lube in your drawer.”

Matt’s eyes go wide fully turning to him with a frozen but shocked smile.

“I-“

“First if all, I knew you had some. I don’t know why you would lie about that,” Ryan says shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

“I knew you had to masturbate a little bit, and I can’t really see you wanting to use your own spit.”

“I mean I have.”

“ANYWAY,” Ryan continues not knowing if he wanted to hear that information or not,  
“I was too lazy to get up and out of your bed and into my room and I figured you wouldn’t notice. So there. There’s your truth.”

“Did you at least wash my sheets?”

Ryan’s taking a sip of his drink and nearly chokes on it while putting it down,  
“Pfft, no.”

“Oh my fucking god.”

Matt holds his head in his hands swaying back and forth.

“That’s worse than just knowing you tickled your pickle on my bed. You didn’t clean it?”

“Didn’t need to.”

“Where did you finish?”

“Who says I finished?”

A brief exchange of looks is expressed by both of them, Ryan thinking he may have shared too much and Matt coming to the realization.

“Do you just edge yourself?”

“No of course not.” Ryan puts his drink down again.

“I don’t remember exactly reaching that point but I was very diligent about collecting the... pre curser.” 

Ryan says almost proud of himself.

“Well you made it sound like you finished on my bed and didn’t do anything.”

The other man shrugs at Matt’s consensus,  
“I mean I’m not 100% sure if I got everything, you could have been sleeping with Magee sea monkeys for another 2 months.”

Matt audibly gags exaggeratedly at the thought.

“Plus it adds to the story.”

Matt rolls his eyes annoyingly but speaks up again adding

“Hey! I changed my sheets more often than that.”

Ryan chuckles a few of his good laughs,  
“No you fucking didn’t.”

“Fuck you, Ryan.” Matt says defensively remembering that he in fact, did not change his sheets often. 

“I know that because I remember you would try and take the washer first before I did my sheets. Which was pretty much 2 months.”

“Ok ok, you got me.” Matt puts his hand up .  
Lego comes over to the lanky man and knocks his head at Matt’s limp hand for attention. Matt of course falls for it and scratches the pooches head.

Ryan adjusts on the couch pulling at his shorts and states  
“Ok my turn.”

Matt waits anticipated.

“Truth or dare.”

“Dare.” Matt says quickly.

“Alright spit fire,” Ryan chuckles lightly.

“Uh. I don’t know, can you get me a cheese stick in the fridge?”

“Ryyyan.” Matt groans bordly.

“What?!”

“Be more creative! Use that big beautiful quick witted brain of yours,” he gestures towards his friend.

Ryan’s begins to feel a blush spreading to his cheeks, unsure if it was the affect of slight alcohol or Matt’s subtle compliment.

“Dude I don’t know I was never good at these games.”

“It’s just us. You don’t have to be good.”

“You just complained.”

Matt breathes out of his nose,  
“Yeah because I know you can do better than that!”

“Alright alright let me think.”

Ryan contemplated for a moment to himself. He could dare his friend to do something bizarre and embarrassing but he wasn’t sure if he would be up for the task.

“Ok. I dare you to call Harrison,” Ryan pauses with his smile growing bigger than before. Matt’s eyes widen with anticipation.

He continues, 

“Call Harrison and tell him you’ve always had a big stupid crush on him.”Ryan finishes with an accomplished tone, seemingly enough from Matt’s ghostly face.

“And tell him about the gummy bear swap.”

“I’m gonna kill Jackson.”  
Matt breathes quietly with fire.

Ryan laughs whole heartedly rubbing his cheek from either the tiredness or the buzz, he couldn’t tell.

“Yeah somethin about you maybe having some sort of thing for your friend’s older brother? Kinda scandalous, Matthew.”

“Dude he’s my roommate!! And my dear friend! I’ve known them and their family since like forever and that feels weird to me. I never had a crush on him, Jackson just likes to tell people shit that because I’m ‘out of the closet.’” Matt puts heavy air quotes around the last bit making Ryan slowly come to a stop.

“S’ok. I think anybody and everybody can come to the consensus of Harrison being stupidly attractive.”

“He is very handsome, but not in a gay way.”

“Why not a gay way?”

Ryan peers at Matt behind his bent elbow leaned up on the back of the couch. The younger man couldn’t see Ryan’s smile but could see the grin in his eyes.

“Because, RYAN,”  
Matt sighs stiffening up,  
“I can appreciate an attractive man without being attracted to him.”

“Fair point.”

“Thank you.”

“Then why did Jackson fill my head with those stories then?”

“Because Jackson is a little fucker, that’s why.”

The two of them erupt in laughter again talking about their dear mutual but mischievous friend.

“I swapped the bowl of gummy bears because Harry always sorted them out by color and I really wanted the blue ones!! And not because they were covered in his spit!”

“God that’s such an odd thing to do, why’d he suck on them?”

“I think to stick them on paper and make an ‘art project?’ I don’t know man, Harry was weird.”

“But you liked himmm.”

“No I didn’t, he was so much older than us when we were younger, that would have been weird.”

“Yeah exactly, you think little kids give a fuck? I remember crushing on one of my mom’s friends when I was like 7 or something.”

“Haha milf lover.”

“Ain’t nothing wrong with that,” Ryan said shaking his head satisfyingly.

“God.” 

Ryan tilted his head half lidded.

“Well, go on.”

“Go on what?”

“With the phone call!”

Matt dropped his head quickly realizing he actually did have to go through with the dare.

“Can’t I do something else?”

“HAH! See if it wasn’t true you wouldn’t care!”

“It’s not, I just don’t want to create any weird tension with one of my roommates!”

“Ok then tell him it’s a dare.”  
Matt pouts his lips thinking.

“Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose?”

Ryan dramatically throws his hands in the air and says,  
“Fine, you wanna make this more difficult, be my guest. So yes. Convince him you did, if you oh so didn’t.”

“Ok. I will.”

Matt emphasizes the last part of his determined statement.

“Do I have to have it on speaker?”

“Of course.” Ryan said scrunching his eyebrows in a “why would you not,” kind of way.

Mat padded his thumbs together and finally swiped his phone out tapping on Harrison’s contact.

The phone dials for a minute. Matt thinks he may not pick up and it may go to voice mail-

“Hey, where are you?”  
Harrison sounds slightly disheveled but fully ready for Matt’s unexpected call.

“Hey, uh, I’m at-“ Matt thinks of someone’s name to come up in his head other than Ryan’s. He thinks that Harrison would assume he and Ryan were up to something stupid so he thinks of someone who would maybe be more reliable.

“I uh stopped at Annabelle’s place for a bit. Wanted to chat and say hi to Yam.” He cringes at his choice of words thinking he already sounded too nervous and out of place.

“Oh alright, what’s up? I made some burgers if you want some when you get home later. Oh! And I forgot to tell you I did pick up a Capri-sun pack of them juices.” 

Harrison quickly adds that Carson had drank a few already but if he hurried back Matt could still get some.

‘Damnit, Harrison,’ Matt thinks to himself.

It’s not helping that Harry is such a sweet guy, and he totally did not have some kind of inkling of attraction towards him.

“Oh ok. Thank you again, I’ll get you back with some scones or something.”

“Eh whatever, but I’ll take you down on that offer,” Matt and Ryan can hear mouth clicking noises, assuming Harry did some kind of finger guns at the phone, though they couldn’t see him.

“So what’s up, you good? Need a ride home?”

Matt sucked in his lips peering at Ryan nervously. The darker haired man smiles and raises an eyebrow waving his hands ‘do it!’

“Ah, actually, no I don’t.”

A beat or two passes.  
Matt’s hand is over his mouth, full of pain.  
Ryan covers his mouth from erupting in laughter and giving them away.

“Okayyy, what do you nee-“

“Harry remember that one time I asked about whether you knew if you liked guys before?”

Harrison without any hesitation agrees,

“Yeah I remember.”

“Well-“  
Matt gulps.

“It was mostly to get an understanding of what you liked and how you liked... how you liked guys.”

The oldest Tucker brother continues their conversation as if nothing awkward was happening at all.

“Yeah and I said don’t worry about fucking anything up with Ryan.”

Matt leans his head down looking stiff at the comment, with Ryan still gazing down at Matt’s hand all the sudden pulled in even more in their conversation.  
Ryan looks up at Matt softly realizing that of course he wasn’t the only one worried about that in their relationship.  
Whatever relationship they had.

“Uh ah yeah haha,” Matt squeaks out looking more ghostly than before.

‘Shut up Harry, shut up!’

“And you totally don’t need to worry about being able to-“

Harry’s voice is suddenly cut short and Ryan glances back up from looking at his twiddling thumbs, seeing his friend half smiling at him with his phone against his ear.

“Hey!” Ryan whisper shouts.

Matt violently waves Ryan away and gestures a ‘one minute’ with his gangly fingers.

Ryan’s shoulders slump disappointedly and watches Matt continue to ‘uh huh,’ and ‘yup,’ and ‘I didn’t SAY that.’  
The older man wonders what could be so secretive about their conversation but decides to save it for later.

He tugs on Matt’s sleeve to get his attention and actually steer him on to why he called him in the first place.

Matt pulls his phone down tapping the speaker volume once again.

“- but I get it, sometimes you just gotta go with it and not worry too much about details.” 

Matt rolls his head on his shoulders along with rolling his eyes at the big brother talk from Harrison that he has grown accustomed to.

“Yeah. I uh actually wanted to tell you something?”

“Go for it, I’m all ears.”

Matt mumbles to himself,  
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

He breathes one last time out of his mouth and blurts all in one stroke of breath,  
“Harry I really liked you as a kid and maybe even a teenager but I never told you because I didn’t realize it was attraction and I didn’t want anything weird between us so I kept it a secret and told Jackson eventually but I’m surprised he hasn’t told you yet and I’m really sorry if this makes you uncomfortable.”  
Click.

“Matt!”

Matt holds his phone turned down on his thin thigh and looks up at Ryan’s face, slightly flushed.

“I thought you DIDN’T like him.”

“I mean not really.”

“Not really?!”

“I don’t know Ryan!”  
Matt buried himself in the couch with his hands covering his face.

“Dude that was the worst way to fucking do it, haha! And then hang up? Why?”

Matt brings himself back up slowly albeit shamefully.

“So I don’t have to listen to him try and bring this up as some kind of lesson.”

The two of them wait for a beat or two and hear Matt’s phone go off from a single text message.

“Oh my god is that Harrison?”

Matt stares down at his phone with a slight smile and groans leaning back into the couch.

“Lemme see,” Ryan grabs his phone and reads the message:

‘ You have a way with words, Matt, haha. It’s ok I knew about ur lil thing for me. Jackson tells me just about everything about u, so that came up eventually. Known for awhile. Don’t be embarrassed tho. We can talk more when u get home <3’

Ryan smiles wide but feels a ray of emotions that doesn’t read right away as much as jealously.

“Hes so sweet, what the fuck.”

“I know I hate him.”

Ryan giggles rubbing his head tiredly.

“I don’t wanna talk about it though, I think I’ll throw up instead.”

“Nah dude don’t worry about it. If it bothers you that much you can tell him I made you do it. Without actually knowing that you do have a thing for him.”

“Did.”  
Matt looks up half lidded while stretching into a yawn.

“I did for awhile. I don’t think I could ever do anything with those feelings for him, I just... love him now. If that makes sense. I love him but I’m not...”

“Like, IN love with him?”

Matt breathes out a chuckle.

“Yeah I guess. I just thought he was STUPID hot and nice back in high school.”

Matt trails off more so talking to himself  
“Middle school, high school, same thing.”

“Ok, ok,” Ryan says almost relived rubbing his hands together.

Matt noticed the look in his eyes and smiled devilishly.

“You jealous?”

“Just gotta make sure I know who the competition is for shmatt shmeat.” Ryan says goofily rubbing his chin.

“You’re in luck, there is none.” 

Ryan bites the side of his cheek, not being able to tell if it was out of habit or nerves kicking in. 

“Sure there is.”

“You think I’m hot stuff?”

“I mean,” Ryan stretches out with a strained smile from his awkwardness as well as Matt’s aloofness.

“I don’t exactly know if you have a lot of side bitches. Who knows? You could be hiding your pimp style life from me.” 

“Bitches and dicks everywhere.”

“Sure, whatever works.”

A brief exchange of spats are laughed between them with the silence filling the room once again.

“Matt I wanna ask,” Ryan pauses and looks down at his fidgeting hands once again.

‘Stop moving,’ Ryan demands his twitching fingers rubbing amongst themselves. Though they continue to have a mind of their own.

“I don’t- I know we have been being casual about...” the brown eyed man gestures around the two of them.

“THIS, but I just wanna make sure if it’s still... Ok? I don’t know if I’m being or sounding too “I’m looking for some kind of label on this” but it would just make me feel...”

“Secure?”

“I guess yeah. I don’t wanna hold you back.”

Matt frowns at his choice of words.

“Hold me back from what?”

Ryan hesitates again wanting to cringe at his next words afraid of stepping out of bounds.

“I don’t know, I feel weird doing shit with you when maybe you’re seeing other people?”

Ryan peeps his eyes open once again to gage Matt’s reaction.

“Sleeping with other people?”

Ryan winces at the implications.

“No, no, I mean wanting to be with other people.”

A longer silence falls between them, one feeling more tense than before.

“Ryan...” Matt rubs his temples almost annoyingly. Ryan jumps to being defensive immediately.

“I’m not saying that we need to be together because... I’m not saying that. I just want clarification because I get lost sometimes when we’re together. Sorry if that’s inconvenient.”

Ryan says more sassily towards to end arching an eyebrow.

“No no I mean I just need time to figure out where I’m at.”

Ryan breathes finally, but not from relief.

“That’s not what it felt like the other night.”

“Yeah well,” Matt sits up more sternly than before,

“Caught up in a moment. It more so matters about how someone- how I feel about it afterwards. An after thought.”

“Shouldn’t even be an after thought but ok.” Ryan says pointedly.

“Well for me it is. This is all kinda new to me and I’m just trying to go along with it-“

“Go along with it?” Ryan asks with a slight voice crack.

“You’re acting like we’ve had sex.”

The tension grows more apparent with Matt staring at his shoes glumly.

“Sorry I chickened out-“

“No, no-“ Ryan says loudly

“I don’t- listen I don’t know what I’m doing either but we both agreed we wouldn’t go that far yet because of not feeling 100% comfortable with that. I never wanted that from you.”

“I never said you did.”

“Then why would you phrase it like that towards me?”

Ryan can feel his mouth burn from talking with such haste. He wish he could go back to where they were a few minutes ago.

“Then what do you want?”

Matt asks an obvious and to the point question. And as for Ryan, he thought he didn’t know, but had realized this a bit before this conversation.

‘I just want you.’

“I thought I made it obvious.”

Matt sits back up again looking at the back walls again with an unreadable expression. 

“You did now.”

Ryan looks down at his lap again realizing he may have revealed himself too much.

Was it too much? Wasn’t he supposed to be and feel vulnerable around someone this close?

“I just don’t know what I want exactly,” Matt continues with hitched breathing from his nerves.  
“I don’t know what or who I want but it sounds like you do. And it sounds like I’M holding you back. And I don’t want that. At all. I’m sorry Ryan. I’m sorry if I gave you any wrong ideas.” 

Ryan breathes again from Matt’s statement. 

“I thought you said you liked me a lot.”  
Ryan asks or more so states quietly between them. 

He feels stupid. Stupid and naive. He thinks he sounds like a child asking about mutual interest with his crush only to be rejected.

Matt’s mouth twitches into something he wants to say but breathes heavy again and continues with,

“That’s the problem, I do like you a lot. I just don’t know if it’s honest. If I’m being honest with myself.”

Ryan nods as if he gets what Matt’s saying. But he doesn’t. How would it be hard being honest with yourself about being into someone?

“I don’t think I understand still.” Ryan admits looking up at Matt still staring at the back wall.

“But that’s ok. I guess I don’t really have to get it. Only you do.”

Ryan swallows slowly thinking maybe what he said was too passive aggressive. But Matt doesn’t seem to notice, nor care about the tone of his words.

Instead he smiles sweetly rubbing at his eyes again. 

“I...” Matt thinks before continuing talking to his older friend.

‘I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t want to be with you.’

It repeats in his head over and over, and has been since that night. The truth is, he does like Ryan a lot. But it feels much different compared to anybody he’s ever had his eyes on. And it’s confusing. Even thinking about starting a casual relationship outside their friendship sounds exhausting to Matt. 

‘Fucking commitment issues.’ Matt scorns himself in his head. But it wasn’t just that. It happened to be a number of things that also didn’t involve Ryan. And a relationship right now felt too forced and overwhelming.

“I just want us to be friends still. I want you in my life and I want you to be involved in it. I just don’t know if I want...”

“Want you. Want you that way? It’s ok you can say it.” Ryan says bitter sweetly.

It aches Matt’s heart seeing him like that. He thought Ryan was hard to read but he can see through his smile that it hurts him. But Matt thinks it’s about time to be open and honest about his feelings, even if it is uncomfortable.

“...Yes.”

Matt gulps at the agreement.

“I’m sorry.” He squeaks again glancing up at him.

“It’s ok, don’t be sorry.”

They stay in their silence wrapping their heads around what was exchanged.

Ryan sighs with a smile.

“I’m glad you’re honest. Not that I expected you not to be. I just know it’s hard.”

Matt breathes again and nods his head.

“I love you.”

Matt says quietly, almost too quiet for Ryan to hear.

“I love you too, Matt.”

The clock reads to be 12:30, and while they usually have stayed up later, it was a work night. Ryan offered to drive Matt home, but he insisted to take an Uber home, saying it would be out of the way to drive back and forth.

Ryan teases him about finally being able to take that Uber, and waves him goodbye in his ride.

Matt leans against the backseat window mundanely with the street lights illuminating his face and off his glasses.

He looks down and checks his phone, already awaiting some form of ‘ good night,’ or a ‘see ya’ text from Ryan. But none the less, there was no such thing. 

Not that he was disappointed. He did just drop a big bomb on his friend.

Before he knew it, he arrives home.

Stepping out and waving bye to the Uber, he looks at his front door with dread, thinking about how Ryan handled the truth. 

He then remembers how Harrison is probably still awake for their long awaited talk about his crush on him.

Matt scoffs to himself thinking,

‘Damn, I got a lot of guy problems right now, huh?’


	3. Bottled Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan: Hey I know you said we were probably just gonna edit and talk about some upcoming videos today but I was wondering if I could come over before we do all that. I have a surprise for u.
> 
> Matt’s heart flutters excitedly, loving the idea of a surprise for him.
> 
> Ryan: Well I guess all of us, pretty much
> 
> Matt smiles but the slightly frowns. It quickly returns to a soft smile wondering what Ryan was up to.
> 
> Matt: May I ask what it issss
> 
> Ryan: no. It’s a surprise. dummy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t name or summarize anything I’m SORRY AHJDJEJJFJE
> 
> I really liked writing this, but I think I’ve reread it too many times now so now I’m not so sure. 
> 
> Hopefully I caught any grammar and spelling mistakes, (probably not, I apologize.) 
> 
> Also I have a habit of either concluding things too nicely or not at all, and this feels like the end of a series, but I promise it’s not, I have other ideas and *activities* I want to expand onnnnn
> 
> I hope I’m doing the Tucker brothers justice!  
> Enjoy :)

Matt jingles the door before opening it fully, making sure not to mess up his new house keys he got recently. 

And maybe as a way to alert his roommates that he’s home.

To his surprise, the living room and kitchen are dimly lit, with only the smaller light of the two in the kitchen turned on.

Harrison leans on the counter, taking a bite out of what seems to be a granola bar looking down at his phone.

Matt clears his throat walking over, grabbing the other man’s attention.

“Matt, hey.” Harry says almost as if he weren’t going to get his attention, but that was all Matt could focus on.

He sighs and leans next to Harry with his bottom against the sink turning towards him.  
He smiles sheepishly and replies with

“Sorry.”

Harrison chews his food and swallows while waving his hand,

“It’s all good. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.”  
Matt nods with a shy smile and begins to say something but is cut off by his friend.

“I never thought it was weird or anything. Oh and I hope you know, or at least know now, that I’m glad you’re upfront about it. Though things wouldn’t have changed that much I don’t think on my end.”

Matt takes a moment to let that sink in.

“Psh, yeah, I guess being upfront is my fucking specialty.” Matt says with eyes growing heavy.

Harry nods enthusiastically but stops when he notices Matt’s expression.

“This feels like it has something to do with Ryan, right?”

Matt rolls his eyes, but not in an irritated way, more so at how easily he can see right through him.

“Yeah.”

“You weren’t at Annabelle’s were you?”

Matt hangs his head as if he were being scolded from a parent.

“...Maybe.”

Harrison laughs adding,

“Why else would you be thinking about being gay with one of your girlfriends.”

“Is being gay a mindset now?” Matt quips back with a smirk.

“What happened?” Harry asks with sympathy.

Matt waves it off saying  
“I was honest with him.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Matt thought for a minute to himself with Harry staring, trying to decipher what was flying around in his mind.

Matt had been honest, but he thought maybe he could have gone deeper in why he was feeling the way he did when talking to Ryan.  
He didn’t want to lose him due to anything more than friendship going on between them, but part of him felt that even if it didn’t work out in that way, they would always be involved in each other’s lives.

But Matt couldn’t figure out if his sexuality was valid enough or not.  
Hes always had an inkling of not being straight, but the label of being bisexual scared him and he wasn’t sure why.

At first he thought maybe due to some buried homophobia he has in himself, or maybe even biphobia. He put those in the back burner of his mind, because other reasons were more prominent in why he feels the way he does.

“I told him I don’t think I want to start anything that serious and that I was sorry for maybe leading him on?”

“Did you lead him on?”

Matt slumps more into himself with a pang of guilt.

“That’s the thing, I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m being a dick for thinking I didn’t lead him on, or if I’m tripping myself out because I overthink everything.”

“Ok, ok,” Harry says calmly.

“I don’t think you were being a dick.”

“I should have talked to him sooner.”

“You were- you’re both still trying to figure it out.” Harry says sternly but with condolence.

“Give yourself a break. You’re both very new at this and adjusting to being out. It’s different than coming out as a teenager but that doesn’t mean there isn’t any kind of adjustment.” 

Harry sighs continuing,  
“And relationships of any kind can be messy when an understanding of where each person is at mentally isn’t met. But you two in particular also have many other layers that are probably muddied together, including coming to terms with your sexuality.”

Matt sighs with some relief realizing Harry was right.  
He has been nonchalant and open about his sexuality since they were young teenagers. He’s had some time to fully sit with himself for who he was and is as a person. Matt sometimes thinks about how he feels like he still doesn’t know himself as much as he thinks he does. 

“It’s ok to not always know what you want, or who you want. Or even who you are as a person. I discover stuff about me all the time that I never thought of before!” Harry throws his hands up with wide eyes emphasizing his words to grab Matt’s attention from staring down at his shoes.

“My point is, if you’re honest, it’ll get you to what you want more with less hiccups in the road. Not NO hiccups, but you’ll attract life as you are and who you truly want to be.”  
Matt’s scoffs at Harry’s words.

“Ok, dad.”

“Don’t call me that, knowing you like me along with being pretty gay makes me think you have a daddy kink.” Harry says with a half smile.

“I don’t! You just-“ Matt pauses with an exasperated sigh.

“Thank you. You give really good advice. Like a DAD.” Matt raises his eyebrows with scolding eyes.

“Good. Happy to help. You can always talk about anything with me.”  
He takes the last bite out of his granola bar in between bites saying,  
“I love ya.”

Matt smiles heading off to his room with cheeks flushed as if he had just left an awkward conversation about the birds and the bees.

“Yeah yeah, love you too.”

•••

The next morning is met with little to no heavy interactions from either one of the two friends. 

And even so, there still seemed to be some kind of significant, but small tension unresolved hanging in the air. 

Not enough to totally blow their usual schedules involving work over though. In fact they tend to forget about any of their blurred feelings for one another when having a good time recording.

Thought they do tend to echo back rather quickly in their minds quietly. 

Matt wakes up the next morning after Harrison’s late night lecture feeling a headache come on. He had hoped he would have gotten up earlier but failed to do so.

Not that he was surprised with himself, it was only 10:30, but he diligently wanted to make an effort to be at the office by at least ten on work days. 

Lifting his phone further up from his face so he could focus on it, he sees a text pop up suddenly, startling him awake. 

“Stupid silent button, stupid phone,” Matt complains to himself flicking the switch off while turning the phone to see who messaged him.

Ryan: Hey I know you said we were probably just gonna edit and talk about some upcoming videos today but I was wondering if I could come over before we do all that. I have a surprise for u.

Matt’s heart flutters excitedly, loving the idea of a surprise for him.

Ryan: Well I guess all of us, pretty much

Matt smiles but the slightly frowns. It quickly returns to a soft smile wondering what Ryan was up to.

Matt: May I ask what it issss

Ryan: no. It’s a surprise. dummy.

Matt huffs at his screen placing his forearm on his forehead

Matt: alrighty then. u can come over whenever. I’m sure everyone is starting to stir awake :)

Ryan likes his last message, and Matt shoots straight out of bed in a hurry to the shower. 

••••

“Coming over when?”

Jackson sits at the counter with Harry putting dishes away, while Jackson has a mouth full of cinnamon toast crunch.

“Said in like half an hour or so.”

Matt says, pulling a shirt over his head heading to their pantry.

“Did he say what it was?” Cason calls over from the living room with his feet tucked into himself on the couch.

“No, he said it was a surprise,” Matt states slightly annoyed having to repeat himself.

“Alrighty then,” Jackson says with a smile.

“We better start heading in the office soon after though to get our day started.”

Matt waves it off adding  
“It’ll be fine, I’m sure it’s something dumb and small and sweet.”

“That’s what she said,” Jackson said in between a gulp of his coffee.

Matt doesn’t get to respond because Harry cuts him off,

“Selling him short, huh Matt?”

Harry gazes at Matt's face critically looking for something.

Matt doesn’t notice too much and shrugs.

“I don’t know. He does this sometimes and it’s usually sweet. I always appreciate it though.”

Harry hums in a somewhat disappointedly and continues putting some dishes away.

“So are you and Ryan good now or what?” Jackson asks very bluntly.

Matt looks up quickly from his plate he has gotten with a few pieces of toast, and sees Harry eye his brother harshly with an annoyed look.  
Matt smiles and sighs,

“S’ok Harry,” Matt begins.

“I should figure y’all are gonna be all up my ass about this, especially when it involves someone in our little circle.”

Carson giggles from afar adding,

“Hey I try to stay out, it’s them that think they always gotta be involved.”

Jackson rolls his shoulders with an innocent smile holding his mug.

“I figured we’d all be comfortable talking about it.”

Harry pinches his nose closing his eyes.

“It doesn’t matter if we’re comfortable talking about it, because we aren’t INVOLVED in their relationship.”

“Relationship?” Matt blurts out with a mouth full of toast.

Jackson bursts out laughing, slightly spitting some coffee out along with his spit. He catches himself gagging on a piece of toast, hitting his chest to alleviate it. Matt and Harrison stare with caution but also aren’t impressed by Jackson’s actions.

“What I mean is,” 

Harrison leans closer to the counter where the younger men are sitting.

“It only matters if Matt is okay with us being nosy and butting in. Respect boundaries.”

Jackson rolls his eyes and adds matter of factually,

“Of course.”

“You guys are worse than my family.”

“We are family.” Jackson nudges Matt playfully.

“And I’m gonna be the most attention seeking annoying roommate you’ve ever had!”  
Jackson emphasizes with his hands grabbing Matt’s face aggressively.

“You’ve already taken that place, bud.” 

Harry coos and says “how sweet, I could melt.”

Carson walks up from behind Jackson and Matt sitting on stools at the counter,

“Gross, y’all gotta act all sappy this early?”

“Tis’ never too early nor too late, little bro,” Jackson wields his arm around Carson’s neck pulling him into a side hug. Carson obliges half heartedly quickly letting go with a stern stare towards his brother.

“I’m just hoping Ryan’s surprise isn’t like a butt plug or something.” Matt says pouting his lips.

“I don’t need to know all that,” Jackson holds his head in his hand grimacing.

“What- No! As a bit, dumbass!” Matt’s face reddens realizing what that might have come across as.

“Well I don’t know, now ya’lls gay shtick is confusing cause you’re actually gay now.”

“I am not! I’m bi!”

Jackson swishes air between his teeth.

“Ok sorry, you’re part gay. That’s still not straight.”

Harry laughs at Jackson’s comment.

“He is right though, I thought you were sharing something of a personal conversation.”

“Why would I share that?”

“Matt, you use to tell me you IRONICALLY watch gay porn.”

Carson erupts in laughter behind the pantry door revealing himself engulfing in a handful of Cheerios,

“Wait, what?!”

Matt pulls at his face annoyingly

“It was ironic! Do you want me to tell you now I watch gay porn unironically now, Jackson?”

“I don’t give a shit what you do in your spare time! I just don’t want to know about you watching porn and getting off!”

“Then why did you bring it up?”

“As a point!” 

Jackson grows louder with his responses, and while Matt and Jackson know their arguments are all in good fun, but he could see that Matt was a bit embarrassed.

“Dude it’s fine, everybody watches porn it’s no biggy.”

Jackson adds, finishing his coffee off.

“Maybe baby didn’t watch a lot of porn before the gay stuff.” Harry adds kissy mouth noises accentuating with Jackson.

“I hate y’all.” 

Harry winks playfully adding a jump to Matt’s heart beat, making him hate his friend even more in that moment.

“I’m just glad I didn’t wake up to news of my brother and best friend fucking.”  
Jackson’s bluntness earned another hearty laugh from Carson continuing to pour a bowl of cereal.

“Not that I would have minded. I just know Harry would hog Matt all the time.”

Harry arches his eye narrowly at Jackson with haste, but Matt doesn’t seem as affected and focuses on a different part of Jackson’s statement.

“Aw dude, I’m your best friend?”

Matt asks with doughy eyes.

“Of course you are, I am not yours?”

Matt’s eyes widen in guilt for a second,

“Yes you’re one of my best friends, idk I guess…”

Matt pauses thinking to himself.

“I think I stopped using that title after a while cause Ryan didn’t really like the best friend title.”

“I see how it is,” Jackson says, making it sound like he was upset.

“Ryan’s your bestie and not me.”  
He playful wipes a non-existent tear away from his cheek.

“That’s cute though!”

Matt tilts his head confusingly.

“What?”

“The lack of best friend title is a consistent theme in not wanting to title whatever is going on now!”

“Jackson!” Harry whips him with a hand towel drying off a plate.

“Very funny Jackson, ha ha.” Matt says rolling his eyes once again.

“Ryan doesn’t actually like it though with anybody. I call him my best friend sometimes and he says he doesn’t like it, so I say my good friend, Ryan.”

“Ooooh.” Jackson says with an exaggerated tone of realization.

“So it’s Ryan that has commitment issues.”

Matt and Harry chuckle slightly with Matt patting Jackson’s shoulder

“You’re an asshole.”

“Whole ass is my name”

•••

Ryan pulls up into their driveway with more energy than usual. Putting his car in park a heavy wave of dread hits him.

‘Is Matt gonna act weird because of last night?’

He sits with himself for a minute and ponders the thought.  
He laughs lightly to himself thinking,

‘Matt is usually exceptionally good at pretending everything is normal when it’s not.’

So he tries not to think too long about it because Jackson is right at his window rubbing his nose on the glass along with the other brothers standing on their porch looking curious.  
Ryan smiles and notices Matt looking separated from the rest and standing out of place like usual.

Not that it was a bad thing.

“I guess Matty hyped you boys up with my surprise?” Ryan asks, stepping out the car with Jackson practically hovering over him.

“I mean something like that.”

Ryan steps on the porch turning towards the taller man with a smirk looking back at the Tucker brothers staring at them.

“Sorry, I told them it’s probably nothing big but they had to blow it out of proportion.”

Matt responds to Ryan’s look nervously.

“How dare you sell my surprise short, Matthew.”

He smirks at his use of his full name, but slightly annoyed with the usage.

“C’mon, I'll show y'all.”

•••

Camping.

That’s what the hype was all about.

Matt didn’t HATE camping, but has his fair share of camping experiences. Even in California.

Turns out Ryan rented an RV and wanted all of them to join him for the weekend at a campsite in Southern California.

“Where did you get an RV?”  
Jackson asks excitedly while laying on the couch.

“You know the trailer park down ways from my place?”

“You stole an RV?!”  
Jackson sarcastically grabs his face with an exaggerated surprised expression.

“Yeah, I kicked over one of them old ladies always hanging out on their front step and booked it.”

The other men laughed stiffly through their noses, being amused by Jackson’s and Ryan’s antics.

Matt continues to stand stiffly not reading as disappointed but was painted with a mundane smile.

Ryan notices but continues talking.

“Nah but turns out they have a parking lot further that lets you buy or rent RVs for a weekend or two.”

“Aw sweet, that’s really dope.”

Carson coos at the opportunity as he puts his cereal bowl away in the dishwasher.

“And well,” Ryan claps his hands together turning his attention to Matt with a crooked smile.

“I figured we could all spend some time together since y’all aren’t doing much this weekend.”

“You’re right, we were going to have a bunch of marathons, but I think some fresh air would be fun.”

Harry scratches his chin happily turning himself back towards the kitchen.

Matt continues to stand still not entirely reacting to Ryan’s enlightening news.

He continues to peer at Matt wanting more of a reaction but he is met with a grimace face with nods.

“Alright, cool.”

Matt picks at his cuticles and bites at them brushing past Ryan back towards the couch.  
A hitched sigh erupts from the lanky man.  
Ryan wants to prod but decides to ignore whatever little fit he was having in his head.

“Alright, Jackson, you ready?”

Jackson pipes up quickly,

“I been ready, sir Ryan.”

Ryan turns his heels around to go back out the front door without looking behind.

“Alright I’ll be in the car.”

As soon as Ryan shuts the door, the two other men needing to go to work simultaneously stand up but Harry stands in front of Matt.

“You ok?”

Matt slightly jumps at Harry’s appearance, due to staring at the ground.

“Yeah.”

“Ok.” Harry says not convincingly.  
But Matt’s response wasn’t very sellable either.

“Have fun y'all.”

“As much as I can with these losers,”

Jackson waves Harry bye and shuts the door.

•••

It’s not that Matt didn’t want to go camping. He did like camping, he really did, but part of him was a bit disappointed. He didn’t want to sound ungrateful but the news of that put him in a bad mood.

Maybe he did want to binge the Simpsons with the Tucker brothers? Maybe he did want to spend his weekend in front of the TV the entire time.

But no, Ryan had to be sweet and rent an RV so they could all spend quality time together.

Matt wants to laugh at himself for being upset but is confused as to why he was irritated with the idea of going camping.

He puts it on the back burner of his mind and decides to try and drop it.

“So have y’all started recording for Minecraft yet?”  
Matt perks up from the back being drawed back in from staring out the window.

“Well, a little bit, yeah. We need to figure out how and when we wanna start the DND series, and see when Chad and Max want to come out and record.”

Ryan continues to enthrall Jackson with details of their plans for the next few months but Matt is interrupted from his day dreaming again.

“Matt?”

“Hm?”

Ryan looks back quickly with a concerned look that turns to inquisitive.

“I said is it ok if I told Justin that he stays at your place when he visits this year, right?”

“Oh yeah for sure that’s fine.”

Ryan sighs relieved adding  
“Good, cause some of my family are wanting to visit around the same time and I’m not sure if I’ll have room for him.”

They continue their conversation mostly between Ryan and Jackson on their way to the office.

•••

Around 7 o’clock is when they all decide to check out and go home. 

The oddly crisp Thursday evening leaves Matt frigid due to not being used to California reaching a whopping 64 degrees.

Ryan offers to take them both home and they accept. 

They all fall pretty silent having spent another day together, growing naturally more accustomed to being in one another’s silence throughout their work days.

Matt still feels agitated at their weekend plans but has decided not to bring it up so he wouldn’t be the Debbie downer. Ryan seemed to try and hint around why Matt seemed to not be all that into it today at work, but ultimately didn’t say anything.

As Jackson and Matt hop out the car and wave Ryan off, Jackson grabs Matt forcefully into a wide hug as they walk towards the front door.

“You’re acting weird, you feeling ok?”

“Yeah I’m good.”

“You sure?”

Matt clenches his jaws annoyedly but tries to not let it show.

“I said I’m fine, Jackson.”

Jackson doesn’t respond, nor really react, but even so, Matt can see in his peripheral vision that Jackson slightly frowns at his tone. He drops it and lets go of Matt, opening their door.

•••

Ryan lies down in his bed at 11 pm, proud of himself for attempting to go to bed before midnight, but his mind wouldn’t shut off.

He turns over glumly rubbing his arm staring at his wall.

He had a guess as to why his friend seemed to be off all day at work, and even so, it didn’t make sense to him.  
Ryan didn’t know how or why Matt seemed to be acting as if he were the one to choose not to do anything with wanting more between them.

He thought that the night before would be the last of it, because, well quite frankly, Ryan thought that was that.

It sucks but he decides that being bitter now won’t do anything, and Matt is too valuable to hold that against him.

If he really does like or love him, he thinks to himself, then he shouldn’t feel all that rejected, right?

His thoughts continue to swirl in his head.

Then why was Matt acting moody?

Ryan has experienced a cranky Matt before, but not this silent treatment Matt. He had been responsive and quick all day, but a lot different than usual.

Instead of piling on jokes for shits and giggles, Ryan and Jackson were met with awkward and silent smiles with sighs.

Ryan thinks that maybe it has to do with how he reacted to their talk the night before, but can’t wrap his head around exactly how.

Ryan does eventually fall asleep, but it’s to the confusion of hot and cold Matt.

•••

The following day led to more unpleasant exchanges from Ryan and Matt at work.

Again, still trying to act as if nothing were different coming from Matt, Ryan decides they should all head out to the campsite around 6 so that Harry and Carson have time to get home and get their shit together.

Jackson said he had packed the night before, saying it was never too early to be packed.

Matt sits in front of their TV of their house with something unfamiliar on screen mostly as background noise, while aimlessly flicking through his phone with his packed bag ready to go.

“We could leave a bit early, Jackson said he’s ready to go.”  
Matt calls out to Harry in his room.

“I just wanna make sure I got sunscreen and some stuff that maybe y'all will forget.”

Matt sighs exaggeratedly,

“Could have just asked what you want us to bring.”

Harry doesn’t respond and Matt assumes it’s because he’s standing in his closet deciding what to bring for the weekend.

Carson plops down next to Matt on the couch along with a duffel bag patting it aggressively.

“I got some joints in here if we wanna.”

Matt tilts his head towards the youngest Tucker brother and grins.

“I like your way of thinkin.” 

Cason hums contently looking back up to see Jackson emerge from his room with two large bags and sets them down on a couple of stools at their counter.

“I’m pretty much done, have you texted Ryan to head on over?” Jackson asks directly, looking at Matt.  
“No?” 

“How come?”

“I don’t know? Harry is taking forever and it’s only-“

Matt checks his watch.

“Oh. It is like 5:30.” Matt realized the time passed by rather quickly.

“Ok I’ll text him,” Jackson responds back grabbing his phone.

While Jackson is messaging him, loud beeps are heard from outside with the slam of what seems to be a car door.

Matt perks up at the sound, then in following comes a hard pounding on the front door.

“Alright I’m here! Y'all haven’t been answering and decided to come over early just in case!”

It was Ryan, ready to go waiting at their front door.

Jackson quickly opens it up with an excited tone,

“Sorry I thought Matt texted you and shit. Harry is being annoying and taking forever.”

Ryan walks past him waving,

“It’s ok, just got worried cause Matt didn’t answer my texts?” He turns towards Matt asking the question.

“My bad, I think my phone was on silent.”

Ryan doesn’t think much of it and shrugs his shoulders.

“It’s fine, I know where y’all live.”

Carson looks pointedly confused, as he saw Matt on his phone earlier and tried to make eye contact with Matt and ask  
“Wouldn’t you see the notification?”

But Matt gets up and begins heading out past Ryan to get a seat in the RV.

Carson drops it in his head for the time being.

When they do get their things in the car, loudly obnoxious Indie music is blared in the RV with Harry in the passenger seat shouting over saying 

“No wait- this is a really good song!”

Ryan’s driving, as he was the one that wrote his name down under the RV with his license.

“We have to actually strap up in the seats, right?”  
Carson asks openly before sitting down.

“I mean, legally, yes.” Ryan agrees with a smile.

Matt sits down and straps himself in a seat adding  
“I mean we could just sit at the table here but I don’t wanna go flying around if Ryan wrecks this.”

“Hey! I won’t wreck it, I think I’ll do good. I even got my license to drive big ol shiz like this a couple months ago so we could do this!”

Matt rolls his eyes and clicks the seat belt,

“Yeah yeah, I’m just saying, I’ll be pissed if one of you comes flying at me in a car accident.”

Jackson sits down and waves his hand,

“Alright alright, we’ll sit down, Matthew.”

As they head out, they see a 7/11 and decide to stop there to get any last minute snacks or drinks they may have missed. 

Matt opens the glass door and lets the fumes of the shitty 7/11 hit him in the face with nostalgia and good memories. 

Storming up and down the aisles, Ryan comes up from behind Matt, as he looks at and handles a pack of gummy worms and gummy bears examining them carefully.

Ryan plants his hands down quickly on Matt’s shoulder’s, making him jump in response while turning around half lidded with a pointed frown.

“Gotcha,” Ryan says putting his hands down rubbing at Matt’s elbow softly.

Matt rolls his shoulders away from the touch, looking up and stiffening his stance.

“Whatcha contemplating about? Get both.”

Ryan watches Matt tilt his head trying not to smile.

“Whatdd’ya mean.” Matt asks accusingly.

Ryan giggles and continues with his hands placed on his hips,

“I remember you used to always try and ‘cut back on sugar’ and would try to decide which to get and you would always get both anyway.” Ryan forms air quotes while looking at the ceiling.

Matt’s hands fall to his hips with the candies remembering their late night 7/11 runs when living together, indulging in sweets and salty foods that wound up making them feel like shit the next morning. And although those weren’t always the most pleasant of memories, it was nice to think back on them with fondness of when things felt simpler between the two of them. Matt Thought about how close they were, even though he still considered them to be close, there was a different intimacy of being so involved in one another’s lives. Matt snaps out of his daze when Ryan steps closer to him backed up against the aisle with all the assortments of treats and snacks behind and in front of them. Matt begins to wonder if he didn’t even really need anything with Ryan standing so close. 

Very close.

It doesn’t last long, due to their presence in a very public place, though the Tucker brother’s didn’t seem to notice.

Matt purses his lips, deciding to fully engage in staring back at Ryan’s stupid smirk, as almost challenging him. 

“I think I’m able to choose between them now. Don’t need both of em.” 

For what feels to be eternity, Matt is met with Ryan’s piercingly dark eyes, though they usually look so inviting and soft. There’s an inkling of confusion stirred in Matt’s lower back, wondering why he felt compelled to do something irrational to his friend, whether that be good or bad. Ryan looks him up and down, almost inspecting him as to whether he would react a certain way. Matt shrugs his shoulders, moving past Ryan with a flaunt, almost pushing past if it wasn’t for the larger man stepping out of the way at Matt’s exertion.

Matt starts to feel fiery, with thoughts swirling in his head. He’s not sure it’s of frustration, sadness, or both, and a bit of something else.

He thinks to himself how annoying Ryan can be with being his best friend and all.

‘Oh I know you so well! You couldn’t choose between what fucking candy you wanted!’ 

Matt wants to imitate Ryan out loud, but does so in his head, while pulling out cash for the cashier.

‘Fuck you, Ryan.’ 

Matt doesn’t really mean it, but still feels some sort of frustration and tension towards his friend’s teasing.

Once Matt pays and grabs his bag of (he wound up choosing the gummy worms,) Ryan is found to be looking through some soda's and candies.

Matt waits beside the front desk while Ryan pays with the Tucker brothers lined up behind him and strangers buying items as well.

Ryan side eyes Matt while pulling out his wallet, almost nodding. As for what, Matt couldn’t tell, but continued to keep up this… whatever this act was and continued to be annoyed.

Dashing out of the sliding gas station doors and into the RV, the men pile back up eager to get heading out to the campsite.

Before backing out of the gas station, Ryan turns back to directly look at Matt before adding,

“Shit, almost forgot to fill this puppy up with gas. Would you be a doll and fill up the tank with my card, Matt?” 

Matt reacts rather over the top with a wide sarcastic smile saying  
“You’re fully capable of filling up the RV YOU rented for the weekend, I think you can handle it.”

Ryan parks next to a gas pump, putting the RV in park looking back at Matt again. 

“Yeah but I don’t feel like getting up so…”

Matt crosses his arms trying not to smile and looks out the window.

“You’re a big boy, you can do it, Ry.”  
He holds his head covering up his mouth still looking out the window.

Jackson pipes up with a grin,

“I gotchu Ry-“

“Nah, I’m kidding, it's all good,” Ryan smiles biting his lip. He turns around and pushes the door open in hand with his debit card.

The door slams shut and Jackson turns towards Matt along with the other Tucker brothers, looking amused.  
Jackson is more so inquisitive.

“What was that?”

“What was what?”

Matt answers innocently, turning his head towards Jackson.

An awkward moment of silence is admitted, with the men stirring in their minds what was exchanged.

“Nothing, y’all just seem to be at it lately.”

Jackson simply puts.

“At what exactly?”

Another moment of silence is followed with Jackson adding

“Whatever is going on right now.”

Matt shrugs his shoulders not wanting to get into it. The other men remain silent, with Harry easing and eyeing Jackson from the front, nodding his head at Matt with a smirk. After a few minutes of more silence awaiting Ryan to be done pumping gas, he returns crashing into his seat. He taps the steering wheel with energy and announces 

“Let’s get this show on the road!”

•••

The campsite seems pleasant. Matt can’t really tell and call if it is or isn’t yet, but stepping out of the RV after having been driving for a couple hours was enough to make Matt grateful to stand up and move around once again. 

It didn’t seem that many people were at this particular campsite, but it still looked entertaining, nonetheless.

The terrain of the area is visually pleasing and dynamic, with hills and trees being waved out by the layering of the land. But the specific spot of the area is flat enough to set up some tents for the night, or to stay in the RV if they really wanted to.

Stepping out of the RV, Matt stretched his arms with the others following behind with their stuff.

Placing their necessities on the ground next to the door, Matt squats down right away at something that catches his eye.

Matt curls his index finger, with what appears to be a lady bug crawling up it. He beams with his knees tucked into himself.

“Ok Matt ‘I fucking hate Beatles’ Watson,” Jackson says brushing past him with a bag which is what is assumed to be a tent.

“Cock roaches, ass hat, and this is a ladybug.”

Matt says looking back up.

“Ladybugs are Beetles though?” 

Carson more so asks the question while setting up a few folding chairs. Harry is found to be rummaging through some of his stuff in the back checking what bags to bring out now.

“Yeah but they’re different.”

“Still bugs.”

“Yeah but they’re love bugs? Or something. Something about good luck?”

Ryan comes out around the driver’s side, arms full with bags setting up adding

“Are you into good omens now or something?”

Matt stands back up and stands turning forwards the comment,

“I just think they’re pretty. And cute. Only certain bugs are pretty and cute. And maybe have some kind of meaning.”

Ryan raises an eyebrow and shrugs with a smirk continuing past Matt setting his bags down.

“Alright, me and Jackson can get started on setting up some tents, and ya’ll can get firewood.”

Ryan orders his instructions rubbing his hands together trying to spot the other tents to set up scattered on the ground with the other items.

“Ok Mr Boss Man,” Jackson comments, grabbing a tent.

“What about Harry?” Matt asks, pointing back where Harry was now standing close to a ledge looking out.

“I don’t know, he can help you two I guess. Whatever, we just need to collect wood and set up a tent before dark.” Ryan states.

Matt shrugs his shoulders and adds,

“Why don’t you come with me? I don’t know what’s good wood and sticks and what isn’t. Aren’t you a Boy Scouts expert on building fire?” Matt asks with a grin.

Ryan raises an eyebrow and remarks,  
“You just need dry and dead sticks and shit. Not hard.” 

Carson puts his hands up playfully in defense,

“Listen, I’ll help set up tents, and you and lover boy can go find sticks together while holding hands.”

Jackson barks a laugh while occupied attempting to put two beams in one another that probably don’t go together. 

Matt sighs while rolling his eyes with Ryan chuckling,

“Fine, I’ll go with you. You big baby.”

“I’m just saying, maybe I don’t find enough good ones, and then bam! No fucking fire cause I’m a dumbass.” Matt says, throwing his hands up already turning around forwards the more thick part of the woods.

“You’re not dumb, you’re just a baby.” Ryan shoots back following behind Matt.

“Yeah, and you’re wasting our TIME before the sun falls down!”

“Ok ok, we have some time, don't worry about it.”

•••

Matt didn’t know why he asked Ryan to go with him.

He forgot that he’s supposed to be mad at him, even though he’s failed at doing that several times the past 24 hours. 

He thought maybe he just wanted to catch Ryan by himself before inevitably going back to the others.

Not like they do see eachother pretty much every day. With that there's only a matter of time before making back up.

But Matt hasn’t been out rightly upset, more so passive aggressive.

And failing miserably at it.

Ryan’s quieter than usual, but maybe it wasn’t unusual. Matt looks over at his friend with a headband flashlight strapped to his forehead, though the sun wouldn’t set for another couple of hours. He gazes at the ground covered in grass, dirt, weeds, and dead leaves, looking for sticks and such. 

Matt catches himself awing at his dorky get up, and being so into finding sticks.

“You won’t need that for about another hour or two, Ry.”

Matt lossley uses the nickname, realizing that it’s use was coming more and more into play when addressing him, making his skin crawl at the thought of using his nickname.

How gross. How cheesy.

“I just don’t wanna lose it, might need it for later,” Ryan says without breaking eye contact with the ground, though Matt hasn’t broken eye contact on him.

More silence fills the void.

“Ha!” Ryan stops, dropping down grabbing a large but stout branch, holding it out.

“We need good foundational pieces like this one to start off, then smaller ones to build around.”  
Matt nods, scourging around and bends over.

“How bout this one?”

He holds out a thinner and longer piece with some reminiscences of greenery and life.

“That’s a good one buuuuut,” Ryan says grabbing the end of it,

“See how there’s still green on it? Not dry enough. Also too long and curved for my liking.”

“That’s what she said,” Matt pipes up in a goofy voice taking the stick back. Ryan smirks, pointing to the branch he had found.

“This branch kinda looks like my dick though,” he says examining it. Matt stares at the branch watching Ryan make a face as he twirls it around in the air. 

“Ryan what the fuck,” Matt says slightly covering his mouth with snorts falling out.  
Ryan looks at him searching for something and then smiles mischievously adding more.

“Well you know what it fuckin looks like, shit is lumpy and short.”

“God, lumpy??”

Ryan shrugs continuing,  
“Cmon now, you remember my Danny Devito lookin penis,”

Matt continues into a laughing fit, always enjoying their stupid sense of humor and mostly Ryan’s accurate description of his genitals. 

“Look look,” Ryan grabs onto Matt’s branch bringing it to his chest.

“This one is a pretty accurate portrait of yours.” 

Matt presses his lips together to prevent laughter but fails once Ryan adds “it’s even circumcised like yours and everything!”

They continue walking along, pointing out phallic looking objects in nature, mostly sticks and begin to loosen up more.

Ryan turns on the light of the headband flash light and clears his throat looking at Matt.

“Dude, that shit is bright, OW.” Matt says dramatically covering his eyes when Ryan turns towards him.

“My bad.”  
He fiddles with it to turn it back off.

The crunching of their feet can be heard by both of them but Matt wonders if Ryan is concentrating enough to hear his thoughts.  
The next words uttered from Ryan scare him because it makes him believe that he can.

“Are you mad at me?” 

Ryan stares down at his feet as he walks, then looks back appearing to be lost in thought.

Matt wants to deny his accusation automatically, but cuts himself off before actually saying anything. A long pause follows Ryan’s question.

“I don’t know. Shouldn’t you be mad at me?” 

Matt twiddles his thumbs along with fidgeting with some other sticks they had found.

“Why do you ask that?”

Matt arches his face towards the sky and groans loudly.

“Becauuussseee,” Matt begins,

“I feel like I let you down or disappointed you…”

Ryan looks at him with an unreadable face and says right away,

“Why would I be disappointed?”

Matt looks at him in a “you-know-why” manner and waits for Ryan to answer.

“I mean yeah,” Ryan admits.  
“I am. Was? It’s been like two days, I don’t know.”

Anyone else listening to Ryan would believe his words, but Matt can hear the slightly anxious tremble in his voice.

“... I just want you to be ok, and if I were to get in the way of that, then why does it matter if I’m disappointed, you know? It’s not a one way ticket.”

Matt stops walking, feeling his ears turn red from frustration upon hearing his response.

“But- you’re being hypocritical! It matters about you too.”

“Yeah I know,” Ryan says agreeing,

“But you said that you need to figure things out and I was making it about myself and making it about… not you.”

Ryan states as if Matt had already run this down in his head. And while he did, he hadn’t realized what it also came across as.

“God I suck,” Matt says cold as if reading something off a page in a book.

“No you don’t,” Ryan says nonchalantly.

“You’ve just been… Confusing. Why are you mad at me?”  
A beat or two passes and Ryan continues into a tangent.

“I thought maybe going camping would be a nice way to spend time with you and the Tucker bros cause ya’ll are tight. And I know we’re cool too but I thought it would be weird only asking you to camp out with me…”  
Matt turns his head at this.

“Wait, what?”

“I thought I fucked up because at first I was thinking ‘no Ryan, don’t be weird and ask Matt to spend a few nights alone in the woods, he’s gonna think you’re still trynna do something even though he clearly said he needs time.’” Matt watches Ryan try to emphasize with his hands, but is inhibited by the branches in them.

“So I thought maybe if we could all go and hang out we could still try and get past it quickly without.. Having to deal with it much anymore. Forget about my feelings for you even existing.”

Matt’s chest and stomach flutter at the words “my feelings for you.” 

He knew this already, but hearing it out loud sparked something.

“So yeah, I know you're pissed at me cause… well, I’m still not sure to be honest.

Matt thought to himself.

“God I’m so shitty,” 

Ryan flashes a smile, something Matt wasn’t expecting.

“We’re all shitty from time to time, it’s ok.”

Matt breathes out his nose turning back to face the woods. They were now making their way back to where they set up camp.

“I think I’m mad… I think I was mad… I don’t know. I think because I-“ Matt takes another breath bracing for what was to come.

“I think I was mad because it felt like you didn’t care that I didn’t want that?”

Ryan looks like he’s in deep thought. The gears in his mind, turning.

“You wanted me to be heart broken, huh heart breaker?” Ryan grins with some solace.

“Kind of? It felt like you were just fine moving on.”

“Are you not?”

“No, no. I just wanted to feel like you wanted me because I really want you.”

Matt perks his lips together feeling burned being vulnerable. He sees Ryan slow down, and he does as well.

“I really-“ Matt pinches the bridge of his nose.

“I just, I want you, Ry. I think it would be amazing. Just be with you like that.”

Matt pauses before proceeding.

“But I can’t fucking trust myself. I can’t trust myself to not fuck it up. Then what happens when I do fuck it up?” 

Ryan grabs his hand softly, and Matt looks up, noticing Ryan dropped the branches on the ground. Matt continues to hold the branches closer, almost as a way to fend off Ryan’s casual affection, and inner turmoil. 

“I don’t know if I’m good enough to do that. For you or us. And I said I didint- I didn’t-“

Ryan looks up from their feet to see Matt scrunching his face as if words weren’t enough to express how he was feeling in the moment. How and why he was feeling upset. The older man started to piece something together and thought about how foolish he had been not being able to tell that this really was getting to Matt.  
The younger of the two didn’t expect to be blubbering his feelings in the middle of the woods on a cool evening with his friends, but there he was. 

He didn’t realize that he had been holding onto a lot of his feelings in particular to this for so long. And while usually he does pack away his feelings, it usually turns into a depressive episode of not feeling anything. Days of just pretending he feels something even when he doesn’t. It feels like he puts on a show for everyone and anyone. And while getting help professionally has quelled some of the white noise in his head, sometimes it snowballs and before he even recognizes it, he’s back to where he started. But now he was crying. A lot. And maybe this was a sign of growing he thinks to himself. 

He honestly couldn’t remember the last time he truley cried.  
He grabs his face aggressively with anger towards himself.

“Why am I like this?”

“Matt it’s ok-“

“No it’s not. I was shitty to you, and- and-“ 

He drops the branches they have collected and rubs his eyes.

They stand there for what feels like forever, and Ryan turns towards Matt and hugs him. 

He hugs him tightly through his sniffles and tear and continues to to rub his back and humming 

“It’s ok.”

“Let it out.”

“You can cry, it’s ok to cry. I know it sucks.”

The two of them stand there for a few minutes, with Matt’s sniffling dying down and interrupting with a “If I cry anymore it’s gonna be dark soon, Ry.” 

He smiles with a toothy grin and bright red nose, looking at Ryan with concerned eyes.

“Sorry.” Matt chimes when recognizing his facial expression.

Crying scares people, and Matt knows this, so he tried his best to hold everything in. Even around people he knows he can trust.

“Stop being sorry. Stop being sorry for feeling.” Ryan smiles softly and hugs him again.

“I’m sorry you had that bottled up.”

“You shouldn’t be sorry for my baggage, Ry.”

Ryan breathes out disappointedly at Matt’s choice of words.

“Ok. I just wish I had known that you’re just scared.”

Matt let the words sink in head for a moment.

He was scared. He was afraid of not being able to meet Ryan’s expectations, he was afraid of not being enough in a relationship, and he was afraid of losing Ryan.  
But he realized that maybe he was infact incapable of losing him. At least for right now. And right now was enough.

Ryan picks up most of the branches, insisting that he should carry them because Matt was obviously carrying a lot of weight on his shoulder mentally.

Matt swatted at him playfully and obeyed him to drop some so he could help out. 

On their way back, Matt noticed Ryan glancing at Matt with tender but tired eyes, still watching his step. 

Matt alerted the Tucker brother’s of their presence and dropped the sticks on the ground in front of them.

The sun had finally dipped behind the horizon line, and the others set up some tents when arriving back.

Jackson already has a flashlight taped to his forehead, (even though Ryan gave him a headband flashlight,) and said that Harry went to go find some sticks by himself.

It began to become dark in the area around them, only their flashlights and a travel lamplight or two next to the folding chairs set out.

Matt plops into one fully relaxing after having to walk around for a couple hours while rubbing his temple.  
Ryan walks over and rubs the back of his neck, rubbing circles into it. Matt leans into the touch and sighs.

They look towards the fire pit dug out from earlier and then look at one another’s dimly lit faces.

“Let’s make some s’mores and hot dogs and decide where everyone’s sleeping tonight.”


	4. Heat of the Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan’s face flushes at the offer but isn’t opposed.
> 
> “Do you even know how to do that?”
> 
> “Course I do.”
> 
> “How?”
> 
> “You don’t know what I do on my time off.
> 
> Matt smiles with a chuckle.
> 
> “I’m half kidding. Well, sort of. Never done anything with an actual… penis.”
> 
> Ryan groans disgustingly,
> 
> “Don’t say penis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayoooo so this has slightly nsfw (idk how you would label it but to me it’s not that intense) that is not marked, so if that’s not your thing just skip this owo 
> 
> I have more notes at the end, so I’ll see you then!
> 
> Enjoy!

Ryan helps put out another folding chair for himself, positioning it close to where Matt is sitting, making sure to not get too close to the pit of the fire.

Matt sits with his legs crossed sticking out underneath and out of the sides of his chair, staring into the starting flame on the wood.

Jackson came back around from behind the RV and had a bag of marshmallows with another bag of Graham crackers and chocolate.

“I’m gonna be honest you guys,” Harry plops down in front of the fire and in front of Matt and Ryan.

“I’m exhausted. This week has just been… A lot.”

Matt slightly frowns at Harry’s words and realizes he hadn’t asked about a whole lot about his week and pipes in,

“Need to rant?”

Harry scratches his chin and answers,

“Nah, nah, I’m just tired and might pass the fuck out soon. More so of a warning. It’s nice to be here with y’all though.” Harry smiles tiredly with a genuine tone while yawning into his hand.

“Let’s have some s’mores first before you crash the sleepover,” Jackson says stabbing a marshmallow onto a stick he found.

Ryan nods his head and then grabs a marshmallow to his left from Jackson, squeezing Matt’s hand.

Matt hadn’t noticed Ryan retrieving his hand once again, but relaxed into the pressure.

“I think it’s been a busy week in general for me too honestly. I find a lot of peace just kinda being in the middle of nowhere. With people I can tolerate.” 

Ryan says sarcastically towards the end eyeing Matt next to him.

“Fair enough,” Matt retorts back playfully, locking eyes with Ryan.

The men become silent once again as the crackle of the fire continues. Carson says something that suddenly breaks the silence.

“Who’s sleeping where? I call a tent.”

He eyes Jackson sternly making sure he heard him.  
Jackson puts his hands up and agrees,  
“If you’re still good with sharing a tent with me, then that’s fine.”

Harry rubs the side of head tiredly and adds,

“I’m taking the other tent then? Unless Matt and Ryan wanna make a 2.5 tent work?”

Ryan tilts his head towards Matt, questioning him with an expression, but knew the answer already.

“We’ve tried making a 1.5 tent work with two people and it was hell. I think we’ll make do on the twin inside.”

Harry rubs his chin methodically. He then raises his hand to continue talking and to maybe add that one person could just have the twin, but thought that maybe they do want to sleep together.

Matt makes eye contact with Harry. The oldest Tucker brother raises his eyebrows and nods towards him with a mischievous smile.

Matt is bewildered and doesn’t pick up on the hint.

“So can we tell scary stories or what?”   
Jackson asks, clasping his hands.

Ryan sighs tiredly and says,  
“You know I wish I had planned this better for tonight at least. Could have done some hiking and stuff before dark.”

“I kinda like not having a plan. Just go with the flow.”  
Matt adds squeezing Ryan’s hand back.

“Well-“ Ryan lets go of Matt’s hand and starts digging around in his jacket pocket and looking underneath his chair. He suddenly pulls out his phone and starts flicking.

“I planned a couple of trails we could try, and some arts and craft we could do at the rest area a mile up!”

“See, you did plan something,” Harry adds reassuringly.

Ryan beams with enthusiasm,

“Something like that. We don’t have to do all of it though, whatever y'all want.”

The men sigh in unison and laugh hearing themselves all sigh at once.

“I mean I could get some of the Mary-Jay-Wanna if you wannaaaa,” Carson offers laughing at the end of his sentence.

Matt pipes,

“Ok yeah, sure.”

Carson retrieves his bag full of assortments and plops back down into his chair. 

The five men pass around the duffel bag looking through what they wanted to indulge in. They entertain one another with stupid scary stories that weren’t all that scary, but were entertaining none the less. Ryan could feel Matt practically melting into his side, and quite frankly, he didn’t mind one bit. As the night grows darker, Harry taps out and decides he is going to set up his sleeping bag and hit the hay. Carson turns in next telling Jackson not to be a dick and step on him when he does come to sleep later. 

Ryan checks his watch and it reads 11 pm.

Jackson wipes his mustache with a bit of stuck marshmallow from s’mores earlier. Pulling at the hairs to try and get rid of the sticky thing, he flinched when he did pull a hair out.

“Jackson, just use a baby wipe.” Ryan laughs, throwing him a pack of wipes, almost knocking him in the face.

Jackson turns towards him and shouts an “OW!”

Ryan giggles in a genuine way and adds “my bad.”

Jackson takes the offer though and wipes his mustaches pulling at his face. He puts it down and turns his head towards his two friends and catches his eye on their once again locked hands. He laughs breathily and says,

“I guess you two are made up again?”

Matt is the first to fully sit up and scowl at him,

“Jackson you're so lucky you're my best friend.”

He scrunches his eyebrows defensively and says   
“What? Can’t I make an observation?”

Ryan cracks a smile and says   
“Of course, but Matt's dignity is too frail for that compromise.”

Matt scrunches his face and groans,

“Ryannnn you have to stop taking his side or he’s gonna think he can bully me. ESPECIALLY around you.” 

Ryan bites his lips and smirks.

“You do that to yourself, bud.”

Jackson giggles tiredly rubbing his eyes.

“I’m just kiddin ya’ll, I’m glad you guys seem better.”

Matt and Ryan nod in unison, but Matt notices Ryan hesitate at first.

“I guess better is… better than not being better.”

“Wise words, Ry.” 

Matt meant for that to come out more sarcastically but it came out softly and sweetly. 

Ryan turns to see if maybe Matt’s face would signal any kind of sarcasm, but to his surprise, no.

The man is half lidded, unaware if it was due to his emotional extraint from earlier, or the weed. But all Ryan can see is Matt looking up at him from a slumped position looking in his eyes. Ryan clears his throat and looks in the fire again to break the stare-down. Though it wasn’t like it had been earlier, dominating and challenging. 

It felt warm. It warmed Ryan, though he was still a bit chilly. He wasn’t sure if he really needed the fire all that much with Matt’s undivided attention appreciating him.

Jackson blows out his lips and gets up,

“I’m heading to bed. Or tent. Please wake me up if I’m not up when everybody is.”

He struts off to his tent with a snoozing Carson and quickly adds in   
“Please don’t be loud.”

Ryan isn't sure what he means right away but it sinks in and he feels his cheeks burn.  
Matt beats him to it though and whisper-shouts   
“Fuck you!”

Jackson salutes him and hunches into the tent.

Ryan continues to scroll on his phone and feels the day set in on him. They had encountered a rather busy but fun day. He thought that maybe they should have started this endeavor on Saturday so that they could get to sleep in for a day and be more rested, but he was glad that they still had Saturday and Sunday to check this place out. 

A sudden warmth around his waist is felt, and he looks over and sees Matt wrap his arms around the older man trying to get closer.

“It’s been 2 minutes and you’re already full of PDA, Watson?”

Ryan says smiling.

Matt gazes at his face and whines  
“It’s not PDA if it’s just us, twat.”

Ryan raises his eyebrows taken aback.  
“Twats a new one.”

Matt looks up and says,

“Been trying to log down more nicknames for you, ass hat.”

Ryan slumps down more into his chair to get at a better view of Matt.

“Not very original but I’ll take it.”

Matt punches his arm harshly and quickly massages his arm reassuringly to make sure it wasn’t too hard.

Ryan grabs his hand and puts it back down.

“It’s ok.”

He sighs and stretches up.

“Maybe we should get to bed? Probably a busy day tomorrow and I’m tired as shit.”

An ounce of Matt wants to argue that “no, he’s not tired and they could stay up together in front of the fire for another hour,” but it’s interrupted by a yawn.

“Yeah, ok. I’ll get my bag and change.”

•••

The RV itself was pretty fucking nice.

It wasn’t those absolutely enormous ones with full on kitchens, but there was a sink, a working toilet, (score!) and a bed in the back. 

Matt wasn’t sure how old it was, but from the wallpaper that was on the walls and behind the bed, it told a story. 

The old floral wall with decorated fruits said maybe 20 years or so. Matt decided not to dwell on it too long.

He plopped on the bed with his bag, looking for his clothes to change into. Ryan came in after him and had his toothbrush in hand and looked at the lanky man.

“Why are you changing now?”

Matt looked up tiredly.

“Don’t worry, I’ll never change for you.” Matt said with a wink.

“Shut.” Ryan waves his hand quickly.

Matt giggles,

“What do you mean? I’m gettin my PJs on.”

Ryan shrugged his shoulders while brushing his teeth.

“I guess yeah. I forgot to bring pajamas.”

“You wanna borrow my shirt I’m wearing tomorrow?”

Ryan stopped for a second and thought to himself.

“I guess, yeah.”

Matt sets out his green t-shirt and pats the bed beside him. 

“It’s here when ya want it.”

Ryan nods his head and spits out the residue of the tooth paste and continues brushing.

Matt drops his bag on the floor and turns around taking his shirt off, then his shorts.

Ryan side eyes him, feeling his eyes snap away when he feels the other look back in a knowing way.

It’s not that he hasn’t seen Matt without a shirt of pants before. Hell, he’s seen his dick for crying out loud, but Ryan as of lately has obviously felt different about it for the last few weeks and wonders why he sometimes can’t think straight even when he’s shirtless.

Ryan breathes in slowly then slows brushing his teeth so that he has something to do while Matt hurriedly puts his clothes on.

“You know something?”

Matt asks, jumping into his shorts.

“I think you’re the only person I’ve really let borrow stuff from me.”

Ryan spits out the remaining sudzy tooth paste and rinses his mouth.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Ryan chuckles and asks,

“Like what?”

“I don’t know man, I’m just petty about people borrowing my stuff. I think it took Jackson years before he became an ok person for me to lend him stuff.”

Ryan puts his tooth brush down on the sink’s lip and dries his hand with the hand towel hanging next to it.

“Well that’s also because it’s Jackson. And aren’t you not so good about returning stuff either?”

Matt swats his hand exaggeratedly with eyes wide.

“EXACTLY. I can’t even trust myself with shit like that, so how can I trust other people?”

Ryan sits down next to him and interjects,

“Other people can return stuff without forgetting all the time. Or ruining it, Matthew.”   
Ryan tilts his head up with an eyebrow raised.

“Again, I knowww, so how can I trust other people, you feel?”

“I guess,” Ryan shrugs, sounding more disinterested.

Matt yawns and says   
“What time are we getting up?”

Ryan thinks to himself.

“I don’t know maybe 10 or 11? Whenever everyone’s awake.”

Matt agrees with sleep in his eyes and lays down.

Ryan notices that Matt plops down more towards to outside, and he taps on him and timidly asks

“...Could I sleep on the outside, actually?” 

Matt’s eyes bolt open and he sits up quickly, his head spinning.

“Right, sorry, I forgot you like the outside.”

“Unless you really wanna be on the outside-“

“No, no,” Matt says crawling over Ryan,

“I like the inside anyways. Besides,”

Matt digs under the blankets with Ryan still sitting on the end,

“I get to spoon you, big boy.”

“Stop.”

Ryan groans crawling into bed with Matt.

“I mean big boy as in- not fat, you’re not fat, you’re a big-“

Ryan pinches the bridge of his nose as he lays on his back with a smile spreading,

“I know I know, don’t dig yourself a hole.”

Matt sighs quickly,

“You’re just. You’re a nice size. Nice and big. Big as in nice. And cuddly and sweet and lovely.”  
Matt smiles with his lips closed and cheeks burning.

Ryan turns towards Matt with soft eyes and stares at him for what feels like minutes. The crows feet hanging on the ends of his eyes are more apparent inches away from one another, and his dark circles are more prominent with the light still on and their proximity. Ryan thinks that he would have thought, “how unattractive,” or not much of it in years past, but now is marveling at such little features.   
Little as in the small and almost unnoticeable imperfections of Matt.   
He thinks about how many nights Matt has probably cried to himself, out of fear of crying in front of anybody and not owning up to how he was actually feeling. The sleepless nights of not knowing what was going to happen, the anxiety of this ever so bumpy relationship that they were experimenting with, and the never ending obstacles presented in life in general.

Looking in his eyes gave him a sense of hope. A new fondness for Matt. He had to be so strong to keep going even though he looked tired. And he was tired a lot. It hurt Ryan knowing that he felt that way, but a sense of relief overcame him realizing he wasn’t alone in this either. 

He never was, as long as he’s known Matt for all these years.  
He then really wondered why he did choose to stick with him. Even after Daniel.

“Are you ok?” Matt asks, staring back at Ryan.

“Do you want me to be a little spoon? I’m not complaining.” He quickly adds looking down at his hands, scrunching the blanket in his fingers.

“Uh I,” Ryan starts and rubs his eyes,

“Actually yeah, that’d be fine. Do you?”

Matt thought for a minute.

“Yeah sure, I kinda like it.” Ryan smiles suddenly and arches an eyebrow,

“You would always complain though,”

“Well, sometimes I change my mind, ok?”

They continue to stare at one another for a minute.

“I’m not turning back over, Matt.”

“Me neither, bub.”

More silence.

“Why did you fucking offer then?”

“Manners.” 

Ryan breathes out a “bulllshit” and finally says,

“Fine. Then I’m falling asleep facing you.”

Ryan declares flicking the light off, with only a night light illuminating their faces from an outlet in front of them.

“Ok. I hope you like the feeling of someone staring at you while you sleep.”

Ryan breathes out his nose,

“That’s actually very sweet, feels protective.”

Matt doesn’t answer right away, so Ryan peeps an eye open to scan his face.

Matt grimaces at Ryan when he notices his eyes are open again.

“Stop!”

Matt commands.

“WHAT?”

Ryan growls gruffly, the sleep in his voice more apparent.

“Just close your eyes.”

The older man growls with annoyance but compiles.

“Ok.”

Ryan dozes off with Matt tiredly staring at him.

•••

Ryan comes back up from soundly sleeping to Matt figiditing next to him. He kept rubbing his feet and turning his head back and forth, not deciding which way to lay. Ryan let this go on for about 20 minutes before saying anything.

“What the fuck is wrong with you,”

Ryan finally erupts with heavy sleep in his voice. The raspiness and unfamiliarity scares Matt, and he flinches, but then relaxes.

“I’m sorry,” Matt complains, turning towards Ryan again,

“I’m a restless sleeper as it is, and it’s worse when I’m not comfortable.”

“You really want me to to turn over, huh?” Ryan slightly chuckles rolling over.

“No I was just being a pain in the ass, I just…”

Matt sighs fidgeting more. He bends his knees up and crosses his legs, knocking into Ryan, causing him to jolt more awake than before. 

“HhhhAAA whAt?!”  
Ryan complains and arm slaps Matt.

“Ow!” Matt peeps softly. Ryan opens his eyes fully realizing he did let his arm slap right onto Matt’s chest and sits up.

“Sorry, fuck I’m just tired.”

“I know me too.”

They lay in silence listening to the rhythm of their breathing.

“How about I’ll sleep on the floor and-“

“No!” Matt says a little too loudly.

“Matt, have you even fallen asleep yet?”

Matt’s shoulders slumps slightly and he frowns.

“...no.”

“Then, ok,” Ryan sits up and turns outwards and declares 

“I’ll take my blanket and pillow and sleep right next to you.”

“Ryan no.”

“Why?”

“I think,”

Matt pauses and taps his chin.

“I don’t think that’s what’s bothering me. I’m super comfy with you and you’ve been sleeping good… until I woke you up from moving.”

Ryan rubs his forehead slightly annoyed. And tired.

“Then what?” 

Matt gets quiet and Ryan can hear him breathe the courage to say what’s on his mind.

“I don’t know, I just feel really tense.”

A pause follows.

“And?”

“And I want… I would like…” Matt hesitates knowing what kind of reaction he may get.

“ I kinda wanna kiss you and stuff.”

Ryan turns around and stares at Matt in disbelief.

“You’re such a fucking-“

He fully turns back around on the bed and leans down to Matt’s face,  
“Really? You want a fucking kiss, you virg?”

Matt pushes him away, but not harshly as not really wanting to push him away.

“We haven’t kissed or anything in awhile and I missed it! Is that bad?”

Ryan scoffs and and says 

“No it’s just… funny I guess. You act like you’ve never gotten any kind of attention like that before.”

Ryan lays back down in front of Matt.

“I mean not from you, no. It’s different.”

Ryan sighs and asks   
“How?”

Matt props himself up a bit more and leans his head in the palm of his hand.

“I want you to touch me.”

Ryan’s brain becomes fuzzy trying to decipher whatever game his friend was playing, and begins to laugh, but Matt remains as serious as before.

“Or uh, ha, maybe I could touch you?”

“Matt, listen,”

Ryan argues,

“I… I would like to, but I don’t think you’re in a good place-“

“I’m not in a good place?”

Matt asks, interrupting.

“I just mean… You've been under a lot of stress, especially about us. And me. And I don’t want to be the cause of any irrational decisions you think you want.”

Matt lets his words sit for a minute and begins to feel flames flicker in his lower abdomen, unsure from anger or lust.

“You are such a- an ass. You know that? First you think I’m still unable to fucking pick out candy, and now you’re telling me I can’t make a very rational decision about what I want us to do?”

Ryan begins to talk but is cut off again by Matt’s tangent.

“Listen Ryan, I get it, you’re a good… Friend to me. You always look out for what’s best for me, and I try to do the same. But calling my judgment as not rational? Cmon now.”

Ryan turns back towards Matt with a hand rubbing his chin.

“I didn’t mean irrational, I just don’t want-“

“Don’t want what?”

Ryan grimaces at Matt’s spastic defense and inability to finish his thoughts.

“I just don’t want me to ruin what we have. That’s all. I’m sorry if that upset you earlier. I was just teasing.”

Matt let’s the words linger in the air for a moment before continuing.

“It didn’t bother me that much, but it just made me angry because it felt like you were trying to control me.”

Ryan tilts Matt’s head up to his eyes and sighs,

“I just like teasing you, dummy. Thought you would know that by now. Gets you worked up and it’s kind of…”

Ryan thinks of what words to use before proceeding.

“Cute. I guess.”

Matt fully sits up staring at Ryan and tilts his head with a smile.   
He didn’t care to admit that he maybe slightly indulges in the teasing, though he did find it irritating sometimes with the way Ryan went about it.

The lankier man grabs Ryan’s face tenderly and brings his face closer whispering his next words,

“You’re lucky you're so sweet.” 

Their noses against one another felt like fire to Ryan, waiting for Matt’s next move, making sure that it was fully Matt’s decision.   
He presses his lips softly into Ryan’s, lowering his hands to his waist, wrapping his arms around.

Ryan wasn’t as taken aback as he was the first time they had initially kissed, but the sparks were just the same.

Ryan climbs over Matt’s thin legs and hugs him while holding him in his arms.  
Matt revels in getting what he wants, (what a brat,) and indulges in Ryan's deep and long kisses.

Ryan stops for a moment and looks at Matt, with the man underneath him fully flushed, still recovering from before. He smiles and dives back into Matt, tracing kisses along his hand and down his arm, then to his neck.

Matt breathes out heavily with the slightest of a moan heard by Ryan, adding more excitement to both of them. Unconsciously, Matt grinds up towards Ryan when his neck is sucked by the older man, adding a sudden hitched breath from him. Ryan fully engages the invite and presses his now hardened dick closer to Matt’s.

Matt traces circles on Ryan’s back, feeling the goosebumps prominent on his skin. Ryan hums contently and slightly lifts himself higher and away from Matt, disconnecting their kiss.

The younger man looks up slightly confused and notices Ryan’s almost masked but panicked face, and pursing his lips together. 

“Everything ok?”   
Matt asks, grabbing Ryan’s ear lovingly.  
The older man breathes out as he sits more on his knees than before and answers with,

“Yeah I’m just- I need to calm down, sorry haha.”

Matt smiles widely with a toothy grin.

“Can I help?”

Matt more so says flatly than questions it, because he knows he can.

“Yeah, well, I just don’t want to do anything that would upset yo-“

“Ryan.”

Matt maneuvers underneath him in a sitting position more and sighs.

“Do you act like this with everyone this close?”

“... What do you mean?”

Matt breathes out a chuckle.

“Maybe I’m causing you all this conflict.”

Matt sadly crosses his arms.

“No, I think… I think we’re just both projecting? Or at least I am.”

A beat or two passes and Ryan continues.

“I know I’ve told you this before but I care about you a lot. Even not in this… context per say, I just don’t want to mess it up.”

Matt thinks to himself.

“Well guess what? I’m asking you to mess it up. Know why?”

Ryan waits for an answer, wanting Matt to get to the point.

“Because I trust you. Ryan, I trust you with just about anything,”

Matt fully sits up and starts counting on his fingers,

“I trust you with my car, watching out for me, sticking by my side, being straight up honest with me, and… borrowing my stuff.”

Matt ends almost proud of himself. 

“So, can we please...”

Matt starts to wrap his legs around Ryan’s midsection and continues to rub his back.

“I just want to touch you, and I want you to touch me.”

Ryan burrows his head in the crook of Matt’s neck.

“God, you’re so forward.”

Matt sighs with a grin,

“I’m tryna be because it feels like I can’t get through to your brain that I want that from you, big boy.”

Ryan looks up with only his eye appearing and he mumble,

“Don’t call me big boy right now.”

Matt lowers his head.

“I’ll call you what I want, asshole.”

They sit with one another still frozen and unsure what to do next or how to proceed next.  
Matt sighs, exaggeratedly and sits up.

“If I suck you off will you stop being so anxious?”

Ryan’s face flushes at the offer but isn’t opposed.

“Do you even know how to do that?”

“Course I do.”

“How?”

“You don’t know what I do on my time off.

Matt smiles with a chuckle.

“I’m half kidding. Well, sort of. Never done anything with an actual… penis.”

Ryan groans disgustingly,

“Don’t say penis.”

“ That’s what it is, though, is it not?”

Ryan puckers his lips and sucks in his cheeks trying to keep his mind on track of this jumpy conversation.

“I don’t know how I’m attracted to you, it doesn’t make any sense-“

“Attracted, hm?”

Matt smiles mischievously at his friend.

“Well, what the fuck have we’ve been doing that isn’t out of that.”

Matt shrugs and replies

“Friendly bestie-bro kissing.”

Ryan waits for more, not entirely amused.

“And I just like to hear it honestly,”   
Matt grins, scratching the side of his head.

“Whore.”

Ryan says it jokingly, but the younger man’s face twitches into a different tone from before and it gives him a jolt of fire.

“Do you like that? Being called a whore?”

Matt rests and relaxes his palms on the bed again, rolling his shoulders.

“Ryan, please.”

The statements came off more shrill than Matt had wanted it to, but he didn’t mind the failure of covering it up.

“You’ll suck me off? Just because?”

“Well- I mean, not just because but I uh-“

Matt began fumbling his words, though moments ago he felt like he had the upper hand in things but suddenly felt very, very small.

“Yes. I want to.”

Matt’s skin begins to deepen to a dark red, first to his cheeks then his ears, full of lust and slight embarrassment.

Ryan begins to sit up on his knees to adjust positioning himself over Matt, but stops suddenly and lowers himself back to sitting.

“Are you sure? Because last time things started to escalate you were uncomfortable.”

Ryan went from wanting to engage, back to questionnaire Magee, and it made Matt giggle.

He pretended to be annoyed at Ryan’s constant consent of asking just about anything that they do,but mostly because it melted Matt’s heart at how much he cared.

“Yes, I’m sure, Ry. Now,”

Matt fully sits up and props on the floor with Ryan in front of him.

“Lay down and spread your legs.”

Ryan does as he’s told and quickly lowers his shorts and twiddles his toes.

Matt get’s up and shuffles over to the front of the bed moving past Ryan searching in his duffel bag.

Ryan sits with his legs swung over the side of the bed side eyeing Matt suspiciously.

“What are you-“

“Sorry I was uh,”

Matt drops the bag again and looks up at Ryan.

“I was seeing if I had any condoms but no such luck.”

Ryan tilts his head and grins.

“You’re truly one for moving things along, huh?”

Matt stares at him as if he couldn’t comprehend what was said but gets up and goes on his knees in front of Ryan.

“You want my cock, Matt?”

Ryan teases nodding towards the condom less duffle bag.

Matt smiles in Ryan’s thigh looking up at him with a bit of too much innocence and replies,

“I was actually thinking of fucking you but I know you’ve said you haven’t tried with the… toy yet.”

Ryan’s stomach flips remembering their conversation of full penetration and being intimidated by it.

“You? On top of me? Hilarious, comedy right there.”

Ryan beams.

“No I just… I don’t know it freaks me out-“

“It’s not bad after you get used to it,”

Matt cuts him off.

“I mean, you just gotta… start slow and be careful. I’m half kidding though, you waited on me so I can wait on you. Or we don’t ever really have to do it.” 

Matt scrambles his words together in strings of sentences trying to not sound too unaware of the atmosphere.

“Besides, I know that I haven't let you… inside me so I get it.”

They stare more into one another’s eyes for a moment before Matt positions himself more comfortable on the floor.

“Matt, here-“

Ryan tosses his pillow on the floor and points.

“For your knees.”

Matt licks his lips and adjusts the pillow,

“Such a gentleman making sure his cock sucker is comfortable.”

A stifled giggle erupts from Ryan, truly genuine in the tone, with the ounce of anxiety disappearing from his face.  
Matt’s blue piercing eyes catch Ryan’s dark encompassing eyes and just like that, the two of them feel themselves being filled with lust for one another.

Ryan didn’t understand it, but he did in other circumstances. 

He felt like he was pretty good at determining the differences between being attracted to someone and love for someone.

As for determining that with Matt, it seemed to blur.

He’s had plenty of one night stands, girlfriends, and flings to know the feeling of sexual acts with and with out that close intamacy.

One night stands or flings felt very one sided in terms of the outcomes. 

Emotional unattachment to those people felt easy to him, as it was just casual sex and hook ups he was after.

Girlfriends of his in the past were formed on mutual attraction and friendliness towards one another, with care and love in the middle.  
The two friends had agreed to one another that what they were doing was based on casual behavior exchanged as friends. Which has been nothing more than dry humping, making out, and a hickey or two.

Ryan has gone through the motions of being friendly with hook ups, but Matt was different because he was his best friend, whether he wanted to say it or not.

Someone he’s gone through most of his adult life with so far, and one to call home that isn’t in South Carolina.

So to say the least, it felt different because the conditions are different. And now he was here, waiting to get his dick sucked.

How charming.

Ryan held his breath reminding himself that this is what he wanted, and it was ok for Matt to touch him. But for some reason he still felt guilty about it.

Matt grabs the back of Ryan’s ear and cups his face tenderly.

“I think you’re thinking too much, smarty pants.”

He smiles empathetically and says,

“I see your eyes dashing around. I don’t have to do anything-“

“No, no,”

Ryan waves his hands pleading,

“Matt- I’m gonna be honest, I masturbate at the thought of you and-“

Matt’s eyes widened, fully pleased with himself and continued listening.

“I’m really attracted to you-“

“Me too,”

Matt cuts him off and gushes, still with locked eyes on Ryan.

“I want you to touch me, and I would like to be able to enjoy it- or that.”

Ryan says as with confirmation as the “go ahead” motion and nods at Matt.

Matt smirks and hums and “ok.” And begins kissing his bare legs with only his boxers on.

Matt begins to mouth at Ryan’s shorts and sighs contently. The bearded man scrunches his fingers up with anticipation and stifles a breath.

“Breathe.”

Matt commands, taking off Ryan’s underwear. 

Ryan watches Matt’s eyes practically glow at his sight, never seeing Ryan’s genitals fully exposed like this before.  
His breath catches on the tip of Ryan, resulting in a hiccuped breath from the older man with eyes darting to his face.

Ryan’s thighs trembled, unsure of if it was from the crispness of the air or anticipation. Matt licks his lips taking a gander at Ryan, fully wanting to take him in.

Ryan continues to swallow his own saliva, though his mouth proceeds to be extremely dry from nerves. 

It’s not that he didn’t want this, but he still felt unsure as to why he did. Having Matt’s pretty mouth around him excited him more than ever. Even with that in mind, he felt as if he were and would continue to sink lower and lower into this small twin sized bed. 

It’s not like he’s never gotten head before, but the overwhelming feeling of actually having Matt want to felt… Too much. As much as he wanted that, he didn’t want to force or rush into things that felt vulnerable to him.  
He and Matt were praised (at least by their friends and family) as being easily adaptable. Going head first into new endeavors, being able to enjoy and do new activities whether that be for their work or their leisure time.  
One aspect that not many know about the older man is his choice of opening up to those around him. Though he is pretty frozen as he is right now, he wants to laugh at himself because he’s sitting butt naked with his friend wanting to suck him off.  
He felt safe with Matt but was troubled with the fact that maybe he wasn’t ready for this, and was trying to convince Matt that, no, he was backing out for his sake. Ryan feels a pang of disappointment in the pit of his stomach, realizing his consensus.

Matt’s eyes grow dim as he looks up at Ryan’s tightened face with pursed lips.

“Ry.”

No answer.

“Ryan.”

Ryan breathes in.

Still silence.

Matt hums, but in a neutral and unbothered fashion.

“Ryan Magee. Earth to Ryan.”

Ryan snaps out of his thoughts and looks down to Matt’s head laying on his thigh, covering him with his boxers.

“I think we should get some sleep.”

He says it matter of factually with no tone whatsoever, but his face is soft and his lips form a slight smile.

At first Ryan is slightly relieved. But then floods of guilt trickle in just as soon.

“Are you just?... you don’t want to?”

Matt, still on his knees, straightens up more and places his arms around Ryan’s torso. He blows out his lips playfully and says,

“I think you don’t want to, hm?”

Ryan’s shoulders relax at the question and nods.

“Yeah. Shit, I’m sorry,”

“Stop, please don’t say sorry,”

Matt stands up arching his back.

“I’m glad you said that.”

Matt digs his nails in the side of his arm, with Ryan noticing the action. He wants to apologize again but to his surprise, (not entirely knowing Matt,) he’s cut off with Matt saying 

“Fuck, I’m sorry actually, I just,”

The lanky man grabs his hair and pulls at it,

“God, haha, I have a fucking mental break down in the middle of the woods…”

He stops and laughs with haste in his voice,

“And then expect you to just go along with doing… this?”

Matt more so sounds like he’s voicing the thoughts in his head then actually conversing with Ryan.

“I feel like I took advantage of you.”

Matt states sadly. Ryan right away combats this and says 

“How could you have unknowingly taken advantage of me? You had a breakdown!”

Ryan’s serious, but tries to lighten up Matt with his enthusiasm.

Matt taps his lips and thinks.

“That’s very true, but I also initiated this.”

“Yeah, but I ultimately didn’t say no.”

“I mean you didn’t say yes either.”

Ryan tilts his head at Matt curiously, taking in his words.

“I guess so. But it’s not that I didn’t want to.”

Matt sits down next to Ryan leaning his head on his shoulder.

“Still. Shouldn’t have to convince you to do anything.”

Ryan begins to feel ease at Matt’s words as he rubs his head on his shoulder.

“Maybe we couple also… Not experience with this on this shitty bed.”

Matt thinks the mattress underneath them and they both tiredly giggle at the springy noises suspending both of them off the ground.

“Guess not.”

Ryan sighs and pats the left side of the bed of him, at least what was left as he lies down.

“I can really sleep on the floor though if it helps.”

Matt squeezes next to his older friend and wraps his arms around Ryan and hums.

“No chance. You’re way too warm.” 

Ryan slightly turns over to look at him more but notices and feels Matt back his hips away ever so slightly. 

He swears he could feel a hard on from him-

“Sorry, fuck-“

Matt groans tiredly adjusting his shorts.

“Just need to calm down.”

Ryan slowly reaches down Matt’s thigh and rubs circles into it.

“I mean I could… I could,”

“Good night, Ryan.”

Ryan laughs through his nose and sees Matt smile with his eyes closed.

“Good night, Matt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOOD FUCKING LORD I HAD AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER WITH THIS CHAP, OH BOY-
> 
> So I had intentions of writing this with some kind or porn with this over arching plot but it felt so weird and forced,,, 
> 
> And I ultimately decided that it felt too out of “character” for them to really do anything at this point, so I turned it more into a emotional mutual understanding of one another.
> 
> I’ll get to you one day, smut. Today is not that day.
> 
> Thank you for reading this far! More to come, life has gotten in the way of me wanting to complete this faster, but here we are. 
> 
> <33333 owo :)


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